The Oscars

The director of the Oscar Winning live-action short "Helium" may have been high himself ... telling our photog his Oscar will become a canine toilet.

Anders Walter and producer Kim Magnusson were leaving a post-Ocscar party at Ago in West Hollywood ... when Walter talked about losing the doggie door in his home and jerry-rigging a statuette to accomplish the function ... and he fully expects his dog to mark his Oscar territory.

And then ... Walter dropped the best humble brag of the evening.

If you thought the Academy Awards were dragging on and on ... you're not alone ... even Oscar nominee Amy Adams got caught checking her phone during the show.

To be fair, Amy could have been staring at her crotch -- but we're gonna go out on a limb and say she was more than likely texting some other famous person about how the show is putting her to sleep.

We're guessing she's not the only one.

Jennifer Lawrence is two for two at the Oscars -- no, we didn't spoil show for you -- we're talking about the actress almost falling on her face again ... this time on the red carpet.

Ol' clumsy pants hit the press line and as soon as cameras locked in on her ... the "American Hustle" star lost her balance and went down hard.

As you may recall, Lawrence crashed last year during the show while walking on stage to accept her Academy Award.

If history is any indication ... someone's getting photo bombed next.

The Governors Ball better stock up on munchies ... because local weed delivery services are BLOWING UP with orders this weekend from celebs looking to get baked.

According to our ganja sources ... a ton of delivery pot shops had to hire more drivers for Sunday to keep up with the insane amount of orders being placed all weekend by celebs in town for the awards show.

One company told us portable vaporizers are huge with celebs this year ... and they've already sold around 40% more bud than usual. We're told the top selling strain is called Dream Queen.

The night is still young.

If you see Sally Field at the Oscars Sunday ... feel sympathy she's about to frickin' burst.

Sally wants a perfect hourglass figure when she hits the red carpet ... but it won't be from exercise -- she'll be wearing industrial strength underwear.

We're told the 2-time Oscar winner popped into Trashy Lingerie in West Hollywood ... looking for something to hold it all together underneath her Academy Award gown.

She saw a nude-colored corset and plunked down $200.

Apparently she liked it -- she really liked it.

With the 86th Academy Awards just hours away, travel back in time and indulge in all the best and worst looks from last year's red carpet.

Citizens of Toronto, fear not ... even though your sometimes crack-smoking mayor just touched down in Hollywood to apparently hit up the Oscars -- and after his recent trip to Mardi Gras -- he claims the city is still in good hands.

Rob Ford made his way through a media storm of cameras Saturday night at LAX (video to follow) ... telling our photog he's running political biz from the road -- and even plans to run for office again later this year.

"Crack Mayor" told the Toronto Sun early Saturday morning he was flying to L.A. to attend the Academy Awards ... but when he got to baggage claim Jimmy Kimmel was waiting as his driver ... so this was clearly all for his late night show.

Watch the clip ... see which d-bag Canuck we'd get in a trade with Canada -- him or Bieber.

Oscar nominee Julie Delpy has some pretty HUGE BALLS for a chick ... because the screenwriter just spanked the Academy hard -- saying it's just a bunch of crusty white dudes who take BRIBES for votes.

Delpy -- who's nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for "Before Midnight" with Ethan Hawke -- told So Film magazine via the Independent the awards are meaningless because voters are, "90% white men over 70 who need money."

"They haven't done anything in a long time," Delpy continued ... "You just need to give them two or three presents and they're in your pocket. It doesn't mean anything to me."

The actress also roasted the Weinstein brothers claiming they killed the independent movie scene ... and then dissed her own flicks, saying, "Every time I've become a part of the Hollywood mainstream, it's been crap! Let's be honest: 90% of movies made in Hollywood are crap."

Apparently the two have put the past behind them ... because last night Snoopzilla posted the pic of him and O with Gayle King, proclaiming "Black history.'

Forget the Oscar tribute to dead actors during the show ... a famous artist decided to pay homage (of sorts) to Philip Seymour Hoffman outside the auditorium by sculpting an Oscar strung out on smack.

The street artist -- who goes by Plastic Jesus -- has notoriously made a name for himself in L.A., and he's just found a way to tap into the heart of Hollywood.

P.J. says he wants to make a point that it's not just famous celebs who die of heroin ... drugs kill people in the show biz industry every week.

Academy Award-nominated actor Djimon Hounsou is INDIGNANT when he hears people say this is the year for black people at the Oscars.

There's a lot of talk in Hollywood about what some think is a movie trend ... triggered by "12 Years a Slave" and "The Butler." Djimon thinks the preoccupation with race is ridiculous.

Lee Daniels couldn't care less about the Oscars dissing his flick 'The Butler' because he tells us he doesn't buy into Hollywood's self-congratulatory award crap, but the thing is ... we're not sure Lee's keeping it 100.

Here's the deal ... 'Butler' came up goose eggs for Oscar noms -- nothing for Lee, Forrest Whitaker, or Oprah Winfrey -- even though critics LOVED the movie.

Daniels shrugged off the controversy at LAX ... telling us, "we don't do it for the awards, we do it for the art" -- which is either a totally chill thing to say ... or just what you HAVE to say when you get snubbed.

Daniels does end up getting a little consolation prize in this clip.

Most 17-year-olds feel pressure to get into a good college, but not Abigail Breslin ... the teenage A-lister has $100,000 riding on whether or not she can nab an Academy Award from her upcoming flick.

According to Abigail's minor's contract -- recently obtained by TMZ -- the lil star was paid $75,000 for two weeks worth of work on a film called "August: Osage County" shot last fall. It also stars Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts.

Now here's the interesting part ... in AB's contract a special clause was added just for awards ... which states if Abigail wins the Golden Globe for best supporting actress she nabs a $50,000 bonus.

There's more ... if Abigail wins an Oscar she gets ANOTHER $50,000. And if she wins both, they throw her the whole shebang. Plus all that other stuff like: respect, honor, esteem, ... yadda, yadda.

Of course with moves like these, it's in the bag ...

Billy Crystal doesn't feel the LEAST BIT bad for Seth MacFarlane for all of the crap he took for his performance as Oscars host this year ... telling TMZ dealing with haters is simply part of the gig.

Crystal was leaving a birthday dinner at Spago this weekend (he'll be 65 on Thursday) ... when we asked if he thought the critics were being too hard on the "Family Guy" creator for all of the boob, race, and Kardashian jokes he made at the Oscars (some of which were hilarious BTW).

But Crystal -- considered the GREATEST awards show host of all-time -- shrugged it off like it was no big deal ... telling us, "Everyone gets a hard time who does a show."

Billy didn't just make a good point -- he also gave us a pretty solid up-top high five.

Rest easy, prudes ... and Kardashian family ... 'cause "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane says there's "no way" he'll return to the Academy Awards as a host.

MacFarlane's hosting performance has been the subject of some major media scrutiny ... by people who take the awards WAAYYY too seriously ... yet, ratings for the show were reportedly UP this year.

Still, when Seth was asked on Twitter if he would ever return as the host ... he tweeted back, "No way. Lotta fun to have done it, though."

Oh, and in case you forgot the joke he made about the K-Squad ... here's what he said while talking about Ben Affleck in "Argo":

"First time I saw him with all that dark facial hair, I thought 'My god, the Kardashians have finally made the jump to film.'"

C'mon ... that's funny stuff.