The Kardashians

Stop what you're doing ... put down the Cheetos ... and listen to the magic that is Ray J as he sings about banging Kim Kardashian ... 'cause TMZ has the first clip.

Ladies and gentleman ... we give you 30 seconds of "I Hit It First." You're welcome.

Now that you've listened -- and let's be honest it's pretty catchy -- remember why we've gathered here today ... so Ray J can remind Kanye West he's getting nothing but sloppy seconds​.

Kim Kardashian's NOT a food-shoveling, 200-pound, fatso -- and Kim is telling friends the proof isn't in the pudding ... it's in the yogurt.

We're told Kim went to the doctor last week for a checkup, and she weighed in at 151 lbs ... way less that the 200 lbs the tabloids claim.

And there's even less. We're told she's gained a grand total of 23 pounds from the time Kanye West impregnated her.

Although there's an epic headline from one of the tabs -- "I Can't Stop Eating!" -- we're told a lot of this is just plain made up. Por ejemplo ... "In Touch" ran a cover pic showing Kim shoving ice cream in her mouth. Fact is ... the pic was taken in Monaco in 2009, when she was relatively tiny.

And our Monegasque (Google it) spies tell us ... the cone is not topped with the fat stuff ... it's dairy free, sugar free yogurt with fresh strawberries. Sounds disgusting.

The transgender woman who says Khloe Kardashian beat her up outside a Hollywood club needs her head examined ... according to a judge.

TMZ broke the story, Chantal Spears -- also known as Ronald Spears -- sued Khloe, claiming KK viciously struck her outside Playhouse nightclub. Chantal says she suffered serious damage to both her body and mind.

Khloe says Chantal is making it all up. So she asked a judge to order a full mental evaluation of Chantal/Ronald -- and a judge granted the request.

Crazy, huh?

Perhaps as a proverbial, pudgy middle finger to the tabloids who have mocked her pregnancy weight gain, Kim Kardashian put her baby bump on full display on Instagram today.

Ray J wants Kanye West to know ... when it comes to Kim Kardashian, Kanye's getting sloppy seconds ... because he hit it first.

As you know, Ray J famously had his way with Kim in the epic sex tape, "Kim K Superstar."

TMZ has obtained some of the hysterical lyrics to Ray J's new song, "I Hit It First," which will be released next week ... and they're awesome!

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first.

I had her head going North and her ass going South
But now baby chose to go West

No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed.

We're told Ray J is making a music video featuring a Kim look-alike -- pre-pregnancy, we presume.

Kim Kardashian won't let anything get between her and a delicious plate of Mexican food -- just ask the cops who were called in to help her satisfy a pregnancy craving ... safely.

The Kardashian kids are suing their dad's widow, claiming she's been illegally selling portions of a diary they inherited.

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Rob Jr. are suing Ellen Pearson -- who was married to Robert Kardashian -- claiming Robert had a diary that contained very personal details about the klan and has been selling tidbits to tabloids.

The deceased Kardashian -- famous for repping OJ Simpson -- allegedly left the diary to his kids in his will.

Among the info that Ellen allegedly sold -- Kris allegedly hit Kourtney and Kim and also threatened to kill Kim ... and Rob was locked in a car while Kris was out on a date.

The lawsuit alleges the diary is owned lock, stock and barrel by the Kardashian kids and Ellen is infringing on their copyright.

The lawsuit demands the return of the diary and family albums, as well as damages.

Interesting fact: Robert did NOT include ex-wife Kris in the diary inheritance -- just their kids. But Kris is listed as a plaintiff. It's curious -- Kris is NOT suing Ellen for defamation, for putting the brutality allegations out there. So the questions -- did Robert Kardashian make the allegations against his ex, and are they true?

Kim Kardashian was faced with a choice the likes of which haven't been faced since Sophie -- papas or paparazzi.

Kim joined her sisters for what was supposed to be a delicious lunch at Casa Vega in the Valley Thursday ... but the pesky pappers were blocking her entrance and wouldn't follow instructions to "MAKE A HOLE!"

As the smells of the fried burritos and chimichangas wafted to her waiting SUV, Kim made the hardest decision since agreeing to let Ray J really have his way ... She left.

Kim Kardashian is a 200 lb monster who's shoveling down so much junk food ... she got dumped by Kanye West -- according to some ridiculously creative magazines, anyway.

See, pregnancy can be entertaining! Unless you're Kim.

Former college basketball star Ryan Pearson credits his entire career to Lamar Odom ... claiming L.O. rescued him from the streets when his family was poor and gave him a chance to be successful in life.

Pearson -- who was an Associated Press All America honorable mention during his stint at George Mason -- is now playing pro basketball overseas ... and believes it's only possible because of Odom's charitable support.

We spoke with Ryan's mother, Leslie Pearson, who tells us Ryan first met Lamar at a basketball event when he was 11 years old ... when Pearson's family was struggling financially.

Pearson says Lamar saw potential in him ... and knew he needed help ... so L.O. put him on a "life scholarship" and paid for Ryan to play on a traveling team, so he could develop his game and become visible to college programs.

Leslie says Lamar "paid for everything ... including team travel, team registration fees, buses, and meals. He also funded entire basketball tournaments around New York."

Leslie believes at least some of the funding came from Odom's Cathy's Kids charity.

We're told Lamar also paid for Ryan to attend a private high school so he could get a top-notch education and elite basketball coaching.

Odom's plan worked -- because Ryan was recruited by some of the top basketball programs in the country and eventually selected GMU -- where he majored in sports management.

As for the reports that Lamar is a scam artist who ran a shady charity operation, Pearson says there's no way that's possible ... because Lamar is a "saint" who only ever wanted to help people.

Kim Kardashian is not going to attend the first day of her divorce trial ... but it turns out she's not needed.

Kim has a commitment for an appearance in New York City for her perfume line on May 6, the opening day of her courtroom face-off with Kris Humphries.

Kim's lawyer filed legal docs asking the judge to move the trial up to May 3 so she could attend, but the judge wouldn't allow it because of a schedule conflict.

But sources say the solution is simple. Kris has the burden of proving fraud in his annulment request, so he's first up in calling witnesses, and Kim won't have to take the stand until day 2 or 3.

Lamar Odom's charity, Cathy's Kids, never donated a single dollar to the AAU basketball program ... despite L.O.'s claims ... at least that's what the president of the Amateur Athletic Union tells TMZ.

We spoke to Henry Forrest ... who tells us, "Cathy’s Kids has never donated to us. They have never, ever contributed to us. On Sunday morning it was mentioned that Cathy’s Kids has contributed to AAU Basketball teams ... that is an incorrect statement."

Forrest is responding to the "Outside the Lines" report, in which ESPN showed documents seemingly proving $1.3 million of the $2.2 raised by the charity was donated to "AAU team sponsorship."

When asked about the specific programs Cathy's Kids helps to support, Odom told the reporter, "A lot through AAU basketball in my neighborhood where I come from in South Jamaica, Queens."

But Forrest tells TMZ it's simply not true -- though he does say it's possible Odom used the money to finance an independent local team that was allowed to participate in AAU events.

“It is possible that Cathy’s Kids sponsored [an independent] team that registered to play in an AAU event. But teams like this only register to play in our events, they are not affiliated with AAU."

Forrest explains, "AAU doesn’t have anything to do with local organizations that put together independent teams. We don’t manage those teams or deal with those local teams put together. They only register to play."

Khloe Kardashian is finally coming to her husband's defense -- claiming Lamar Odom is not the shady charity scammer he was made out to be in an ESPN report.

Mrs. Odom lashed out in a statement posted on her website ... saying, "It is unfortunate that my husband has been the target of an attack on athletes’ charities, although he has personally contributed approximately $2.2 million to his foundation, Cathy’s Kids, to fulfill its charitable purposes that include helping underprivileged inner-city youth."

Khloe is clearly going after an "Outside the Lines" report that said there was NO evidence that any of the $2.2 million raised by the charity went towards cancer research, as the mission statement for the charity said it would. Instead, the report says a majority of the cash went towards two "elite" youth basketball teams.

During the "OTL" report, Lamar bizarrely explained, "It's my money" ... and now Khloe is trying to clear up Odom's comment ... saying her husband personally contributed "more than 90% of the money raised by the foundation."

She adds, "All of the funds donated by Lamar and the other contributions to Cathy’s Kids were used for one of the foundation’s intended charitable purposes. Not one penny went to help Lamar personally or any member of his family. No charitable funds were misused, and the IRS has repeatedly given Cathy’s Kids a clean bill of health, confirming that there were no improprieties."

"Cathy’s Kids was formed with several purposes in mind, including benefitting underprivileged youth and cancer research. A decision was ultimately made that the charity should focus on one of those purposes -- to help enrich the lives of underprivileged inner-city youth."

Lamar Odom is facing allegations the tax exempt charity he created is being sketchy with its money ... and not donating ANY cash to cancer research, despite the charity's mission statement.

Lamar established the charity -- Cathy's Kids -- in memory of his mother, who died from cancer when he was 12 ... and initially stated that the purpose of the charity was to help underprivileged kids and raise money for cancer research.

But according to official records -- obtained by ESPN's "Outside the Lines" -- there is no evidence any of the money ever went to fight cancer.

There is proof, however, $1.3 million of the $2.2 million that was raised went toward funding two "elite" youth basketball teams -- the insinuation is that the kids on the teams were so good, they were already on college radars for scholarships and other financial help.

Of the remaining $900k, there is no evidence based on available documentation that any of it went to cancer research. In fact, according to OTL, there's no evidence whatsoever of where the money went.

Lamar sat down for an interview with ESPN producers -- he brushed off questions about where the money went by saying it was all his dough, despite the fact the money was raised through solicitations on his website, Khloe Kardashian's website and others.

Paris Hilton is no Kardashian abductor ... in fact, she tells TMZ the leaked Ford print ad that shows her kidnapping Kim's family is "stupid" 'cause they're still good friends.

Ms. Hilton was signing autographs for fans at LAX this weekend when she was asked how she felt about the controversy stemming from the ad ... which depicted Paris driving off with Kim, Khloe and Kourtney tied up in the back of a Ford Figo.

Paris blew the whole thing off ... calling the situation "ridiculous" and "stupid" -- but the most shocking part was how she described her relationship with Kim ... considering they had a huge falling out a while back.

Here's Khloe Kardashian at a McDonald's event in Hollywood on Thursday (left) and "Modern Family" star Sofia Vergara back in 2011 (right).

The twins.