Holidaze

It's GOOD to be Arnold Schwarzenegger's illegitimate love child -- just ask Joseph Baena, who just got a BRAND NEW JEEP for Christmas ... and TMZ has the pics.

We've learned Ahnald traveled up to Bakersfield on Monday and personally delivered the 16-year-old a brand new 2014 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon ... which, of course, comes with a removable roof (hence the headline, get it?).

We're told Joseph is PUMPED about his new whip ... there's just one problem -- he doesn't have his driver's license yet.

Still, sources say Joseph tried to sneak out to his whip to secretly take it out for a spin ... but he was caught by his mom Mildred Baena and she quickly put a stop to it.

Clearly, she's not a fan of sneaking around ... anymore.

Forget "A Christmas Story," "Miracle on 34th St.," and "It's a Wonderful Life" ... the best holiday movie to snuggle up to with the family on Christmas day is ... "The Deer Hunter!"

At least that's what John Savage says ... he's one of the stars of the film -- you know, the one who loses his frickin' legs in that underwater rat cage in the Viet Kong prison camp.

John was soaking in the sunshine on a warm Christmas Eve in Malibu ... and told us his old flick is the perfect movie to throw on in the background while your kids open up their presents under the tree.

Check out the clip ... we're pretty sure he's being serious.

Just be careful if you bought your little ones the new Russian Roulette playset for Xmas ... you can shoot your eye out with that thing!!!

Here's a photo of Marshall Mathers getting into The Christmas Spirit.

"The Christmas Spirit" is the name of that reindeer.

A jolted jogger learned a scary lesson Saturday -- cross the imaginary line in the sand near President Obama's Hawaii retreat ... and the Secret Service will have your ass!

The jogger was happily barreling along on Kailua beach ... near Honolulu. Notice what looks like a palm frond plunked in the sand ... near the home where the Obamas are staying.

There's no sign ... no real way to know that's the line in the sand you just can't cross.

After the agents caught up with the jogger, he was sternly ordered away.

Reese Witherspoon is in the holiday spirit ... celebrating with her hubby with a little vino and then driving off into the sunset.

Reese and Jim Toth hit up the outdoor patio at Gjelina in Venice over the weekend. A source connected to Reese says she had a glass of wine with an early dinner and then walked around the area XMAS shopping for "several hours," and then got behind the wheel and drove home.

As you recall, Reese and Jim famously got arrested in Atlanta after a drunken night out on the town. Jim was busted for DUI. Reese was arrested for disorderly conduct.

Denise just responded to the story via Twitter ...

Charlie Sheen has declared nuclear war on his ex-wife Denise Richards ... blasting her as a "heartless" and "ugly" hag who's holding their children hostage.

Sheen just blasted Richards ... again ... this time, he's furious that Denise won't let their children visit him to exchange Christmas gifts.

Charlie expressed his anger in a series of texts ... saying, "lemme see if I got this straight; you won't even spring the girls for 30 mins, from the 10 mil house I gave you, (100 yds away) to come down and open the gifts their dad bought them before they leave??"

"I hope your stocking is bronze-age coal stuffed along with an assortment of 8x10's of yours so you can see how despicable and heartlessly ugly you and your fermented soul continue to be."

He added, "hash tag. hag shag."

Charlie also says despite the fact Denise won't let him see the kids, she had the "audacity" to ask him to borrow his private jet to go on the big family trip that she banned him from.

Charlie says he went to Denise's home to plead with her to change her mind and to deliver gifts to the kids, but was not allowed to see them.

Charlie concludes, "This is the worst Xmas I've ever had."

Chris Brown was all smiles during his day away from lockdown anger management rehab ... pitching in at a charity toy drive for XMAS.

Chris didn't misstep -- not even once -- during the event ... where people come with unwrapped toys for underprivileged kids.

The Saint Nic photos poured into the TMZ newsroom for our annual Santa Snapshots Contest -- so give an early xmas gift to your eyeballs and indulge in these awesome Kris Kringle pics!

Be sure to check back on Monday to vote for which Santa snapshot should score the $250 prize and some holiday gifts compliments of TMZ!

Charlie Sheen is no longer on Santa's naughty list ... the actor was just given an awesome Christmas gift -- permission to celebrate with his twin boys.

Sources close to the situation tell TMZ ... the kids temp guardian Scott Mueller (Brooke Mueller's brother) has no interest in punishing Bob and Max on Christmas ... so he and Sheen hooked it up.

We're told Charlie's stoked that he can spend Christmas with the boys -- it takes the sting not seeing daughters Lola and Sam ... who are going on a trip with other ex-wife Denise Richards ... Sheen claims he's not allowed to tag along.

Bah humbug.

Balls -- noun -- 14-pound clackers that gives one the courage to say you're about to WRITE THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME. See: Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Chris Brown will spend Sunday on tragically-hip Melrose Ave. in L.A. ... curious indeed, since he's supposedly in lockdown rehab. But we've learned, the rehab joint gave him a day pass.

Chris won't be shopping in stores that sell overpriced, vintage gadgets. He's a featured celeb at the XMAS toy drive, where people come with unwrapped toys for underprivileged kids.

We're told Brown and his girlfriend Karrueche Tran will be front and center to mingle with everyone.

'Tis the season to get your jollies ... and you can thank Victoria's Secret angel Alessandra Ambrosio, who stripped down to some red hot Rudolph-themed lingerie on a beach in L.A. yesterday.

Charlie Sheen vows to hit Denise Richards where it really hurts -- in the child support department, because he says he's going to court to get a judge to slash the amount she gets.

Charlie is telling friends ... a judge has NEVER signed off on his current child support agreement with Denise -- it was all agreed to privately.

Denise currently gets $55,000 a month in support for their 2 kids. He's enraged that he's been so generous, and not just with child support. Charlie says he shelled out $9 million for the home he bought for her -- specifically so their 2 girls could be close to him.

So Charlie is telling his buddies ... Denise is epically ungrateful because he says she's denying him the right to have XMAS morning with the girls. He says she's actually taken away the girls' phones so they can't call him.

So Charlie's going to court. Not only does he want child support reduced, he wants the judge to establish his iron-clad right to see his kids on specific holidays.

R. Kelly hijacked a random dude's cell phone this weekend in New York -- then recorded a XMAS music video for the guy ... and we got the footage.

It all went down Friday night at Papa Juan Cigar Room in Harlem ... when Kelly showed up with his entourage -- and a bunch of the bar patrons approached him.

One of the guys began recording R.K. with his camera phone -- and that's when Kelly jacked the guy's cell ... and recorded his rendition of "Chestnuts Roasting."

Denise Richards is the Grinch who stole Christmas ... at least according to Charlie Sheen -- who's pissed at his ex-wife for pulling the plug on his holiday plans with their daughters.

Sources close to Sheen tell TMZ Denise informed Charlie this weekend she didn't want him to join her, Sam, and Lola on their family Christmas trip -- and didn't really explain why.

We're told the news sent Charlie into a tailspin since he's already not seeing twins Bob and Max this year for Christmas -- they'll be with temp guardian/Brooke Mueller's brother Scott.

Sheen lashed out at Denise by tweeting a pic of a chopped up baseball bat -- a souvenir from their wedding -- with the caption, "The lie is over. I'm done being treated like a relative with a one-way ticket. #DuhNeese."

Our sources say Denise is confused about Charlie's anger -- because as far as she's concerned ... he's still welcome to join her and the girls on the trip.

Clearly, that's not Charlie's understanding of the situation.

Jesus Christ ain't got nothing on Brian the dog ... as "Family Guy" brought him back from the dead on last night's episode -- 3 weeks after he was left for roadkill.

Here's how Brian Griffin was resurrected -- Stewie cries to a mall Santa that he wants his best friend back -- and then through a wrinkle in the time-space continuum ... steals his broken time machine from another version of himself ... but before it was broken.

Yeah ... time travel is confusing.

Blah, blah, blah ... Stewie goes back in time, and pushes Brian out of the way of the car that ran him over.

After the episode ... Seth MacFarlane tweeted: "And thus endeth our warm, fuzzy holiday lesson: Never take those you love for granted, for they can be gone in a flash."

Whatever. All we know is Brian's back ... all is right again.