The Kardashians

Kim Kardashian perving out on her 17-year-old sister Kendall Jenner's bikini body is definitely creepy -- but there's money in them thar underage hills ... and Kim knows how to mine it.

If Kim Kardashian were a man ... authorities would be opening a creeper investigation after she pointed a video camera at 17-year-old Kendall Jenner's outstretched body and rhapsodized about her booty.

Kim acknowledges the creep factor as she points the lens at her sis. What's interesting ... Kendall appears to be the hair heir apparent to the Kardashian throne, yet Kim is gushing over her sister's beauty.

Kim Kardashian has once again gone black.

The mom-to-be flashed her smooth pregnant gams at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday.

Kim Kardashian's first child may be rude, drenched in stinky perfume with hairy armpits ... because her place of birth may be Paris.

Kim was sashaying around gay Purr-ee with baby daddy Kanye West last week and sources close to the couple tell us, she stopped into a hospital specifically to scope out the maternity ward.

We're told Kim is seriously considering popping in Paris for several reasons -- the main one being Paris has strict anti-paparazzi laws ... which is why Halle Berry says she wants to move there.

Another reason ... Kanye has a sick pad in Paris.

And it doesn't hurt that Paris is the fashion capital of the world.

Ever wonder what happened to the woman who allegedly broke up Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush by spreading her legs? No? Well in case you're wondering ... she was arrested for trying to pass phony checks.

January Gessert's claim to fame was allegedly banging Reggie back in 2010, while he was still dating Kim K. The former blonde denied the home-wrecking allegations and even hired Gloria Allred to clear her name.

Things have only gone downhill ... TMZ has learned a bank manager in Redondo Beach called cops on January in March, after she tried to get some loot with forged checks. She was arrested for a felony and is currently free on bail.

If Kris Humphries were listening closely from New York, he could have heard a California judge screaming at his lawyer in court -- because Kris blew off a mandatory court appearance -- and it's worse than we first thought.

As we reported ... the settlement conference was scheduled for 8:30 AM today, but sources connected with Kris told TMZ ... he was stuck in New York. We're told in court today ... Judge Goldberg went nuclear, saying Kris could have caught a flight and that he mocked and disrespected the court.

Judge Goldberg was so pissed ... he set a sanction hearing -- meaning Kris may be hit with fines for being a no-show.

There was obviously no settlement reached today ... We're told both Kim and Kris must appear on the 19th for a pre-trial readiness/settlement conference. Kris better show.

Kim, on the other hand, was in court ... she answered all the judge's questions. Score one for Kardashian.

And if that wasn't enough ... she looked like a (pregnant) rock star when she left the building.

Unless the Concorde was taken out of mothballs last night, there's no way Kris Humphries is going to appear for a MANDATORY settlement conference with Kim Kardashian today ... TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with Kris tell us ... he was in NYC at 1 AM today, and looked "extremely upset." As we reported, he's supposed to be in an L.A. court today for a settlement conference and his attendance is required.

The first flight out of JFK today is at 6:00 AM ET, arriving at 9:15 AM PT. Here's the problem. The settlement conference is set for 8:30 AM PT. Even if the flight is on time, he'd be at least 2 hours late.

We checked with JFK to see if flights were cancelled because of weather last night -- maybe Kris could use mother nature as his excuse. But the airport was operating, so it looks like he's screwed.

The judge is going to be REALLY pissed off.

Meanwhile, Kim K is punctual as ever ... she just rolled up to the courthouse.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are scheduled to come face-to-face today for the first time since their split.

The former lovebirds are required to appear at a settlement conference at the downtown L.A. courthouse this AM. The drill is ... try and hash out a resolution to avoid a trial.

But here's the deal ... Mandatory settlement conferences are routine, but this case has as much a chance of settling as Farrah Abraham has getting admitted to a nunnery.

Sources tell us ... Kris is shockingly still demanding $7 mil to go away, even though he says all he wants is an annulment. We're told Kim not only is unwilling to give him a penny ... she's now demanding that he pay her attorney's fees.

This case is destined for trial.

Kendall Jenner is less than a year from the most coveted treasure in Hollywood -- and her predicted rise to power happens to coincide with her 18th birthday. Strange how that works, eh?

Here's "New Girl" star Hannah Simone at an event in Beverly Hills on Tuesday (left) -- and Kim Kardashian back in 2008 (right).

They're both bangin'.

Kim Kardashian gets almost as many headlines as that other Kim -- so, we're thinking Kim Jong Un should just get knocked up by a rapper. Beats launching World War III ... just sayin'.

Kim Kardashian just filed her divorce witness list ... and it's now clear as can be -- Kim's lawyer is calling a bunch of witnesses who were involved in the prenup to show Kris knew EXACTLY what he was getting into before saying "I do."

As you know, Kris is claiming he was defrauded into marrying Kim ... left in the dark about her true intentions. But now we know 6 witnesses will testify that Kris was actively involved in every detail surrounding the prenup.

In fact, sources connected with the couple tell us ... Kim and Kris were constantly bickering over details in the prenup and that he was as interested in the business of marriage as she was.

Among the witnesses ... 2 managers who were heavily involved in the prenup, at least one lawyer involved in the document and a court reporter who was present when the prenup was signed.

There are other witnesses who will testify about the prenup, including Kim and Kris Jenner.

Short story -- the mission of Kim's lawyer is clear -- Kris went into this eyes wide open.

Stop what you're doing ... put down the Cheetos ... and listen to the magic that is Ray J as he sings about banging Kim Kardashian ... 'cause TMZ has the first clip.

Ladies and gentleman ... we give you 30 seconds of "I Hit It First." You're welcome.

Now that you've listened -- and let's be honest it's pretty catchy -- remember why we've gathered here today ... so Ray J can remind Kanye West he's getting nothing but sloppy seconds​.

Kim Kardashian's NOT a food-shoveling, 200-pound, fatso -- and Kim is telling friends the proof isn't in the pudding ... it's in the yogurt.

We're told Kim went to the doctor last week for a checkup, and she weighed in at 151 lbs ... way less that the 200 lbs the tabloids claim.

And there's even less. We're told she's gained a grand total of 23 pounds from the time Kanye West impregnated her.

Although there's an epic headline from one of the tabs -- "I Can't Stop Eating!" -- we're told a lot of this is just plain made up. Por ejemplo ... "In Touch" ran a cover pic showing Kim shoving ice cream in her mouth. Fact is ... the pic was taken in Monaco in 2009, when she was relatively tiny.

And our Monegasque (Google it) spies tell us ... the cone is not topped with the fat stuff ... it's dairy free, sugar free yogurt with fresh strawberries. Sounds disgusting.

The transgender woman who says Khloe Kardashian beat her up outside a Hollywood club needs her head examined ... according to a judge.

TMZ broke the story, Chantal Spears -- also known as Ronald Spears -- sued Khloe, claiming KK viciously struck her outside Playhouse nightclub. Chantal says she suffered serious damage to both her body and mind.

Khloe says Chantal is making it all up. So she asked a judge to order a full mental evaluation of Chantal/Ronald -- and a judge granted the request.

Crazy, huh?

Perhaps as a proverbial, pudgy middle finger to the tabloids who have mocked her pregnancy weight gain, Kim Kardashian put her baby bump on full display on Instagram today.