Nurse!

If Alex Rodriguez wants to lounge in the sun while his teammates play baseball ... Artie Lange thinks A-Rod needs to spend some of his $29 million salary on a round of beers -- for all of Yankee Stadium!

We're exaggerating a little, but Artie -- a die-hard Yankees fan -- is definitely pissed about the photos of A-Rod and his gf Torrie Wilson sunbathing in Miami while he's out of the lineup ... rehabbing his injured hip.

You gotta see Artie's rant about A-Rod's astronomical salary and how much it's costing fans. It starts like this -- "Just imagine you're a forklift operator who makes $35,000 a year and you've got an enormously fat son that you like taking to Yankee games" ... and you gotta buy 4 hot dogs for him.

Artie goes off ... and you gotta hear it in his words. It is HYSTERICAL!

And by the way, Artie does have a way for A-Rod to make it up to the fans. It involves ... a bodega and rape.

Kobe Bryant found an upside to season -- and possibly career-ending surgery ... HAPPY PILLS!!!

Mamba tore his Achilles tendon during last night's game against the Golden State Warriors ... an injury that requires surgery and a lengthy rehab. The Lakers say Kobe's timetable to return is about 6-9 months.

He posted a pic as he was about to go into surgery today, captioning it by saying, "Surgery prep time. Lookin like Mrs Doubtfire with a jerri curl cap lol Anesthesia next #highasakite #mambaout."

Earlier, his wife Vanessa posted a pic while Kobe was still on crutches, writing, "Waiting for MRI results with Dr Patrick Soon Shiong and Rob Pelinka. I want to thank my family for your love and support. Kobe is in great spirits."

Every Lakers fan on Earth, however, is not.

Kobe Bryant is terrified his playing career is over -- after tearing his Achilles -- and he's so PISSED about it ... he couldn't stop himself from venting in an emotional, rambling Facebook post.

The Lakers superstar was up at 3:30AM nursing the injury he suffered in last night's game ... when he started railing, "This is such BS! All the training and sacrifice just flew out the window with one step that I've done millions of times! The frustration is unbearable. The anger is rage."

Kobe was so upset he even hinted at retirement, saying ... "Maybe I should break out the rocking chair and reminisce on the career that was. Maybe this is how my book ends. Maybe Father Time has defeated me..."

But in the middle of the post ... the Black Mamba recaptures his competitive edge and says he's looking for the "silver lining" and wants to get back to work with the "same drive and same conviction."

Best of all ... Kobe quotes the Jay-Z lyric -- "If you see me in a fight with a bear, prey [sic] for the bear". Ive always loved that quote. Thats 'mamba mentality' we don't quit, we don't cower, we don't run. We endure and conquer."

There's a lot more in the post, including how much pain he's in ... and prepping for surgery.

Kobe Bryant's possible career-ending injury will not thwart the L.A. Lakers chances for playoff glory ... so says comrade-in-arms Jordan Hill.

Jordan has something in common with Kobe -- they're both injured Lakers and out for the season.

So the question -- with only 2 games left, and the Lakers holding on to their playoff hopes by a thin string -- how can the team possibly prevail when their mega-star sits on the bench with a busted Achilles?

As if making all those ridiculous "High School Musical" movies weren't grueling enough, Zac Efron's latest film role is turning out to be a major pain in the ... wrist.

The 25-year-old hunk was spotted with a heavily bandaged right hand on Thursday after falling and hurting his wrist on the L.A. set of his new flick "Townies."

Even with the injury, Zac appears to be lookin' fine ... as always.

Robert Griffin III's amazing rookie season ended with a horrific knee injury, but the Washington Redskins' superhuman QB looks ready for action again -- and claims he'll be even BETTER next year.

RGIII -- who showed no signs of a limp last night outside of Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills -- said he's "feeling good" and brushed off the injury ... reminding us the torn ACL he suffered in college was way worse.

When our camera guy pumped up RGIII telling him he'd be just as good this coming season -- Griffin shot back, "I'll be better."

Triple H's body is scarred up with 2nd degree burns he suffered at WrestleMania last weekend ... but he wasn't scorched by fire ... the culprit was dry ice.

HHH suffered nasty burns to his torso and arm after he walked through a special effects machine that was blasting dry ice to create a smoky effect as the wrestler made his grand entrance.

The dry ice stuck to H3's body and burned him up ... but during the event, Triple H ignored the pain and shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

Fans, who clearly didn't understand the seriousness of the situation, began to mock the wrestler online ... so Triple H took to Twitter to show what really happened.

May we recommend some Neosporin?

Donny Osmond is a little bit ... burnt.

The 55-year-old entertainer took time out from performing with his sister Marie Osmond in Las Vegas ... and unsuccessfully attempted to tan his lily white Mormon skin in Hawaii on Thursday.

After charring his torso to a crisp on the beach ... the Osmond brother continued to enjoy his moment in the sun by wisely covering up with an undershirt.

The son of Hollywood legend Clark Gable claims he was not drinking alcohol before the multi-car wreck that led to his DUI arrest -- but does admit he went unconscious ... and says he has a history of brain aneurysms.

TMZ broke the story ... John Clark Gable was busted Tuesday in Malibu after allegedly smashing into 6 parked cars on Pacific Coast Highway.

Gable tells us he lost consciousness ... and says the last thing he remembers is getting cut off by a van, and when he woke up he had hit a phone pole.

Gable claims he "absolutely was not drinking" ... and says the only medication he's currently taking is for a minor leg injury from mountain biking.

However, Gable says he had 2 small brain aneurysms --weak bulging spots on the wall of an artery -- back in 2006 and another in 2009.

Brain aneurysms can be fatal, but Gable says he had corrective surgery both times.

Gable says he's going to a doctor to get his head checked out ASAP -- but stresses he doesn't know yet if an aneurysm was behind yesterday's accident.

Al Roker's underwear can breathe a huge sigh of relief, because he returned to the White House -- scene of his now infamous shart -- and made a clean escape!

That we know of ...

Lindsay Lohan threw on her bikini and hit the beach in Brazil yesterday ... revealing a series of gnarly bruises down her left leg.

It's unclear how Lohan got her new marks ... it's possible she just banged herself up while ducking under tables at a nightclub last week.

Then again, it's not impossible to think she got into another late-night altercation -- just ask that psychic she allegedly socked in the face a few months ago.

Funny moment with NFL superstar Adrian Peterson ... when our guy was shooting the Minnesota Vikings running back in D.C. yesterday ... and fell ... HARD!!

It's pretty funny ... we were talking to A.P. about gay athletes in professional sports -- and he gave an interesting answer -- but that's when a stationary orange construction cone TOTALLY ATTACKED OUR PHOTOG!!

Our guy never saw it coming and went crashing to the ground as Adrian did the play-by-play -- "Down goes Frazier!!"

NFL legend Joe Theismann -- famous for suffering one of the gruesomest career-ending injuries in sports history -- is optimistic about the recovery of Louisville basketball player Kevin Ware ... telling TMZ, Kevin's young enough to make a full comeback.

Theismann says he saw 20-year-old Ware's injury on TV Sunday night when it happened ... Louisville was playing Duke and Ware jumped to block a 3-pointer ... but he landed wrong on his foot and snapped his right shinbone through his skin.

Theismann -- whose QB career came to an end in 1985 when Lawrence Taylor snapped his leg like a twig during "Monday Night Football" -- tells us, "I got sick to my stomach ... It brought back a lot of memories that weren't very pleasant for me."

5:45 PM PT -- A rep for Flavor tells TMZ, Liz was NOT treated for an OD. The rep says Liz was briefly treated for exhaustion at the hospital after being kept awake all night doing "Couples Therapy" stuff ... and producers are hyping it up for ratings.

The rep adds, "The claim of an overdose, or any involvement of drugs, could not be further from the truth."

Flavor Flav's fiancee -- who is starring with the rapper on this season's "Couples Therapy" -- was hospitalized today after ODing on painkillers ... TMZ has learned.

Sources connected with the show tell TMZ ... the fiancee, Liz Trujillo, is the mother of one of Flav's children. The two agreed to appear on the show together to work on their relationship.

A honcho on the show tells us ... the OD was accidental and not a suicide attempt. We're told she was "acting strange" and it became apparent "she took too many pills."

Just one day after Kevin Ware snapped his shinbone in what might've been the grisliest injury ever broadcast on TV, the Louisville guard is back on his feet ... with the help of crutches.

The 20-year-old was just photographed at an Indianapolis hospital looking surprisingly good ... his leg freshly bandaged after surgery.

In case you missed the game, Ware snapped his leg -- through his skin -- during Louisville's game against Duke yesterday. Ware was attempting to block a 3-point shot and landed wrong. Google at your own risk.

Ware underwent a two-hour procedure following the injury ... doctors had to insert a rod into his tibia ... but thankfully, everything went well.