The Kardashians

Khloe Kardashian's all bent over Ray J's penis and the fact it dared to star in a Kim K. sex tape spoof with Joan Rivers -- and now KK's getting revenge ... by pulling out on Joan.

Insert penis-vagina joke here.

Kris Jenner has been bombarded by someone who is claiming to have a sex tape starring Kris herself and they will release it UNLESS she pays a Queen's ransom ... and now cops are on the case.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... L.A. County Sheriff's Deputies went to the Jenner house Tuesday and took a report, which says Kris has been receiving up to 300 phone calls, voice mails and texts a day for the last few weeks -- day and night -- from someone who says they have the tape.

We're told the person has recently told Kris if she doesn't ante up a big sum ... TMZ will post the sex tape. FYI ... it's not true and besides, it's not up our alley.

Kris told deputies there is no such tape and the caller even flip-flopped during several calls and said Khloe -- not Kris -- starred in the tape.

Khloe Kardashian is steaming mad at Joan Rivers for spoofing her sister's sex tape by doing a pretty hilarious rendition with Ray J ... so she bailed on co-hosting Joan's show at the last minute.

Khloe was scheduled to shoot Wednesday for Joan's E! show "Fashion Police," but sources close to production tell us ... Khloe pulled out .... hmmm, just like Ray J.

It's thrown Joan's show into panic mode -- probably to the satisfaction of Khloe -- because they have to scramble for a new co-host and re-do the script.

TMZ broke the story ... Joan filmed a comedy sketch with Ray J for her new WE tv show "Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" -- spoofing Ray J and Kim Kardashian's famous sex romp.

It's pretty hilarious ... but the Kardashians aren't laughing.

Kanye West was in his danger zone last night (LAX) .... surrounded by his greatest anger trigger (paparazzi) … but he went through without incident.

Ye and Kim Kardashian arrived at the airport and were met by a slew of paps. First, our guy asked if the couple had seen Seth Rogen's parody Vogue cover. A bunch of other questions were hurled, but Kanye stayed cool.

He really doesn't have an option. He's on probation in the LAX assault case and ordered to undergo anger management therapy.

But something else happened. Some random people screamed out his music sucks, and "make me rich!" Maybe they knew ... Kanye paid one of his assault victim's more than $250K for a smack to the face, so he established a going rate.

Reza Farahan from "Shahs of Sunset" just made Kanye West's list -- that's what happens when you say Kim Kardashian would NEVER make it on the cover of Vogue ... unless Kanye bought it for her.

We asked Reza about Kim and Kanye's new cover shot for the fashion bible ... and he's not convinced Kim deserves the honor, to say the least -- "That's a legit fashion magazine, and this bitch was selling her s*** at Sears."

You gotta watch ... Reza tries to soften his shot -- at Sears and Kim -- but fails. Also, he's got a great idea for the next Vogue cover.

Scott Disick threw caution to the wind and gave Jon Hamm a run for his free-flowing money as he went out on a grocery run yesterday in Calabasas.

A 20-year-old man was subdued by cops after casing Kris Jenner's Hidden Hills home and coming face-to-face with Kim Kardashian -- and he smelled like hell ... law enforcement sources tell TMZ.

We're told the man drove from Arizona to L.A. at around 4 PM Sunday ... and somehow got past security at the front gate. He made his way to Kris' house and started peering through the windows, when Kim arrived. She became alarmed and called security ... and he fled.

L.A. County Sheriff's deputies were called and found the dude a few blocks away. He told them he was Kendall Jenner's boyfriend and Justin Bieber's stepbrother. That's all she wrote, and he was taken into custody and placed on a 5150 psychiatric hold.

Our law enforcement sources tell us ... he "reeked of body odor."

Kaley Cuoco just picked up Khloe Kardashian's old house in Tarzana -- and it ain't gonna pay for itself -- so now the "Big Bang Theory" star is unloading her old one.

As TMZ first reported, Cuoco snatched up KK and Lamar Odom's old 7-bedroom 8,000 sq. ft. home for $5.49 million -- quite an upgrade from the Sherman Oaks spot Cuoco just listed.

Her old place is a piddly 5,233 sq. ft. ... with 5 bedrooms and 5 baths -- and her asking price $2.795 million... only slight bump from the $2.4 mil she paid for it.

James Franco and Seth Rogen have improved the Vogue cover with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West ... although they missed one slight detail.

Rogen tweeted the cover -- we're guessing it's photoshopped -- with Seth playing bitch. We might add, not an unattractive bride.

They almost had us fooled ... but then we looked at in the vicinity of the ring and, well, you don't get that from a Hawaiian vacation.

As you recall ... the duo hilariously spoofed Kimye in November with their music video "Bound 3."

It was bound 2 happen.

San Fernando Valley vixens Kendall Jenner and Selena Gomez ventured south of the 101 today to hit up trendy eatery Joans on Third for lunch.

Considering their penchant for bad boys ... it's easy to see how they might get along.

The question is ...

No doubt, Kim Kardashian has the resume -- dated/banged countless Black guys, got engaged to Kanye West, had his baby ... but only now has she attained full blown African-Americanness.

All she had to do was sit down for dinner ... on the 2nd floor at Crustacean.

He's already packed up the moving trucks ... he's pretty much hammered out his egging case ... but Justin Bieber still has one enormous loose end to tie up before he can bail on L.A. -- a bill for $85,000.

As we reported, Khloe Kardashian has purchased Bieber's Calabasas mansion, paving the way for his big move to ATL. The deal is expected to close next week, but there's one big problem -- TMZ has learned, there's a mechanics lien against the home.

A construction company filed the lien, claiming it performed $85,011 worth of damage repair services on Justin's house and it still hasn't been paid -- which is a big problem ... because a home cannot be sold until all liens against it have been settled or paid.

If Bieber doesn't cough up the money by next week, we're told the sale can't go through.

Sources close to Bieber tell us, the singer's camp plans to deal with the issue asap. Luckily, he can probably afford it.

Kanye West came face-to-face with a photog in NYC Tuesday ... and kept his cool in the cool.

Kanye -- bedecked in a cowl scarf -- was walking to his tricked-out van ... when our photog spotted him. After buttering him up, the photog asked about the rapper's court case. He didn't get a response, but the good news ... he didn't get beat up.

Justin Bieber has officially cut ties with California ... he packed up all his stuff and he moved to ATL.

Moving trucks arrived at Bieber's Calabasas home Tuesday to clear a path for the new owner -- Khloe Kardashian.

TMZ broke the story ... Bieber also sold the plot of land next door, which now means he owns no property in California.

The guy who Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are suing for secretly videotaping their engagement is not only sneaky ... he's blind -- at least according to the judge.

Chad Hurley -- who co-founded YouTube -- claimed when he videotaped the proposal at AT&T Park in San Fran and later released it on his website MixBit ... he had no idea he had signed a confidentiality agreement.

The case was in court Tuesday -- Hurley was trying to get it dismissed -- but the judge scoffed at him, saying the entire document Hurley signed was 1 page and at the top the words CONFIDENTIALITY could not possibly be missed.

Kanye and Kim could score a huge payday, courtesy of their lawyer, Eric George ... because the judge said Hurley could be liable for fraud, which opens the door to punitive damages ... which theoretically could mean millions of dollars. Hurley has the money -- Google bought YouTube for $1.6 billion.

The motion to throw the case out was denied. So full steam ahead!

Kanye West will NOT be prosecuted for battery on a photog, because he just struck a deal to make the case go away ... but not without a bunch of anger management therapy sessions.

West pled no contest to misdemeanor battery -- the City Attorney did not make him plead guilty, so there's no admission of guilt.

In return for the no contest plea, the attempted grand theft charge has been dismissed.

Kanye was placed on 24 months informal probation -- meaning he just has to keep his nose clean. At the end of the 24 months, assuming he hasn't violated probation, the conviction will almost certainly be erased from his record.

West also agreed to 24 private therapy session for anger management.

Kanye also agreed to complete 250 hours of community service, and agreed to stay clear of the photog in question.

Kanye has to pay for the damage to the photog's equipment and any medical bills he incurred.