Charlie Sheen went on a rant early Thursday AM, this time apparently mocking "Two and a Half Men" ... and it seems like it all has to do with drama surrounding the final episode.
In a bizarre, hard-to-understand diatribe, Charlie seemed to use his former show's theme song to express his displeasure:
men men men
men - men me suck,
gotta suk me more men before they suk me more men
It's impossible to figure out exactly what he's saying ... he tried to use TwitLonger to better explain himself, but the link leads to a post with even LESS text.
Deciphering this is next to impossible -- but a likely theory is that Charlie wanted to be included on the finale show, but Chuck Lorre may not have extended an invite.
Charlie may try to clarify later, but we're guessing it could only get more confusing.
Ice Bucket Challenge
With a BIG Twist
8/18/2014 6:37 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen didn't douse himself with water in the Ice Bucket Challenge ... but he did make it rain.
Charlie was called out by hockey star Ryan Miller to take the challenge in support of the ALS Foundation. But Charlie's challenge was H20 free ... and way more awesome.
He also calls out Jon Cryer, Ashton Kutcher and nemesis Chuck Lorre to meet his challenge. Watch the video ... he doesn't seem hostile toward them.
So how much money do you think was in the bucket?
'Two & A Half Men' & 'Always Sunny' Stars
Nicest Divorce EVER
5/23/2014 12:30 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Somebody should tell "Two and a Half Men" star Melanie Lynskey Hollywood divorces are typically mean, ugly and humiliating ... search Sherri Shepherd, Master P, Kevin Hart, et al.
Lynskey and "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" star Jimmi Simpson just finalized their divorce ... and it's the nicest set of divorce docs we've ever read.
Neither one hired a lawyer. They worked everything out themselves -- with a little bit of help from a mediator.
Neither wants spousal support. As for splitting assets ... they've actually included a line promising not to take "unfair advantage" of each other.
The couple filed for divorce in 2012 -- citing irreconcilable differences.
If all divorces were this nice ... well, they're not.
I'd Go Back to
'Two & a Half Men'
5/22/2014 7:47 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen is extending an olive branch -- not to Rihanna, but to Chuck Lorre and "Two and a Half Men" by actually putting it out there ... he's hoping to return to the show in its final season.
As Charlie left Giorgi Baldi (scene of the RiRi diss) last night ... he talked about 'Men' coming to and end, and even took the high road when asked about Ashton Kutcher.
But Charlie says the upcoming final season would be incomplete without a Warlock sighting ... and it's pretty clear he's not joking.
Considering his character was struck and killed by a train ... it's gonna take one helluva dream sequence to bring him back.
Mastering Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
I'm a Blue Belt, Bitches!
2/13/2014 10:13 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen should tread lightly ... 'cause Ashton Kutcher has just earned his advanced blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu -- meaning, the guy can fight.
Kutcher has been training with MMA badass Rigan Machado ... and last night in Beverly Hills, the "Two and a Half Men" star was promoted to a "two stripe blue belt" -- which means he's spent hundreds of hours on the mat learning all sorts of new techniques.
Also in the house ... UFC fighters Josh Barnett and Cub Swanson. It appears Barnett was promoted to an instructor level.
Still, Kutcher is hardly the most dangerous sitcom star -- that honor probably goes to Ed O'Neil ... who's a frickin' BLACK BELT!!!
In fact, Rorion Gracie once described Ed as "As tough as they come."
Charlie Sheen to Ashton
'Mind Your Tongue'
Or I'll Beat Your Ass
2/6/2014 12:15 PM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Well that was fast ... Charlie Sheen is threatening to destroy Ashton Kutcher -- just hours after making peace with his "Two and a Half Men" replacement.
As we reported ... Kutcher called out Charlie on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" Thursday night for belittling him on Twitter, telling him to "shut the f**k up." Sheen got the point, and made a public apology.
But Sheen tells us ... when he did his mea culpa he hadn't watched the Kimmel interview. When Charlie got around to watching it he immediately blasted Kutcher, tweeting, "Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I'll put you on a hospital food diet for a year."
Charlie tells TMZ he has a warning for Ashton ... "Mind your tongue, junior."
Charlie to Ashton
Sorry I've Been a Total Jackass to You
2/6/2014 9:10 AM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen got Ashton Kutcher's message loud and clear ... apologizing to Ashton for riding his ass so hard the last few years -- and promising to shut the hell up from here out.
Ashton called Charlie out last night on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," blasting Charlie for constantly berating him on Twitter after Ashton replaced him on "Two and a Half Men." For example, just last month, Charlie tweeted Ashton, "Quit barfing on my old brilliant show."
Ashton turned to the camera and said, "Dude, shut the f**k up! Enough already. It's three years later and you're still blowing me up on Twitter. Come on dude, really?"
And Charlie listened ... apologizing this morning for taking his bitterness toward "Men" creator Chuck Lorre out on Ashton. He tweeted, "Ashton, message received. so sorry, u sounded like me! well done! my bad I was pissed at other crap & took it out on you. hope u r good xox c."
And just like that. Beef over.
My Ex Is Lying
I Only Make 3/4 of a Mil a Month
1/30/2014 6:10 PM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Jon Cryer proved his ex-wife was delusional when she claimed he made $2 million a month from "Two and a Half Men." Fact is ... he made way less than half that amount.
Jon submitted legal docs objecting to Sarah Trigger's petition to up her child support from $8,000 to $88,000 a month ... arguing the kid was humiliated at his fancy private school because he couldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
The judge shut Sarah down ... in part because Jon submitted an income declaration showing he earns $758,449 a month -- $600K is from the show, and the rest is from investments and such.
And this is interesting. Jon also listed his expenses. He shells out $7,700 in entertainment, $3,800 in car expenses, $1,000 in groceries, $3,300 for child care and $4,000 for tuition ... and those are MONTHLY expenses. $4 grand a month for tuition ... sheesh.
Now get this ... Jon doesn't eat out a lot. Total monthly expense -- $44.
Guess Ashton picks up the tab.
Jon Cryer's Ex-Wife
Judge Shuts Down Whiny Child Support Plea
You Don't Need $88K a Month!
1/29/2014 12:00 PM PST BY TMZ STAFF
Jon Cryer's ex-wife might have to start drinking discount champagne -- TMZ has learned, she just got shut down in court after asking to increase her child support from $8,000 per month to $88,000.
TMZ broke the story ... Sarah Trigger ran to court in October, crying for WAY more child support money because their son Charlie couldn't afford all the trappings of rich kid life when he was with her ... expensive summer camps, exotic vacations, fancy birthday parties.
Sarah claimed their son had become a laughing stock at the ritzy Buckley School because of his pauper lifestyle ... and he's humiliated.
She justified her bid by claiming her custody share had increased from 4% of the time to 50% of the time ... so she deserved more money ... especially because Cryer's making a killing on "Two and a Half Men" (she claims $2 mil a month).
But today in court, the judge wasn't sympathetic ... ruling there was no change in circumstances that required an increase in support. Translation: get off the gravy train and start couponing, lady.
Jon Cryer's Ex-Wife
Rich Kids are Humiliating Our Son
I Need $88K a Month
10/25/2013 6:37 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Jon Cryer's ex wife claims their 13-year-old son is becoming the object of scorn and ridicule at his exclusive private school because the other kids have a caviar lifestyle and she's forced to live in the world of spam ... and that's why she's asking a judge to squeeze $88k a month from Jon in child support.
Get ready to throw something at the computer (or mobile device), 'cause this is gonna piss you off.
Sarah Trigger has been getting a measly $8,000 a month in child support since 2010. It galls her that Jon is making a fortune on "Two and a Half Men" -- she claims $2 mil a month!
Sarah says life is awful. She says her son Charlie can't afford the ritzy summer camps his friends attend. She says Charlie's friends go on "exotic vacations in the summer and winter like Europe and Thailand." He can't go.
It gets worse. Sarah says Charlie's friends at The Buckley School have "huge birthday parties at expensive places like Sky High Sports and they invite the entire grade." And worst of all ... the Bar Mitzvahs. Sarah says, "Last year there were multiple Bar Mitzvahs and Bat Mitzvahs all with custom invitations, a dress code and huge private receptions afterward."
Sarah says Charlie is feeling the pain, and so is she. Sarah says when she got child support back in 2010, she only had custody 4% of the time ... and that's why she only got $8,000 a month. Now she has custody 50% of the time, so she wants a cool $88,969 a month.
The 69 is clearly for Jon.
Goes NUCLEAR On Chuck Lorre
That Drunk Stole My Joke!
10/4/2013 11:48 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Roseanne has gone nuclear on Ashton Kutcher and "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre, accusing them of joke stealing and calling Ashton a "f**king thief."
Roseanne apparently caught wind of a recent episode in which Ashton told someone something to the effect of, "You're wet where you're supposed to be dry." Turns out, the wet bit is an old Roseanne joke, which sent her into a wild rage.
Roseanne began by attacking Ashton on twitter, calling him "an immoral thief of intellectual property." But very quickly, she changed targets and put Chuck in her cross hairs: "CHUCK LORRE IS A THIEF! STEALING MY JOKES FOR HIS S**T TWO AND A HALF MORON."
And then she gets personal with Lorre, who once worked as a writer on her famous sitcom: "I wish I'd NEVER hired Chuck Lorre. Like EVERY 'sober' Hollywood mkultrabot, he w;ent frm being a drunken bum2 an overbearing arrogant thief."
She's still ranting on twitter ... and it's entertaining!
I Needed 3 Months of Rehab
After 2012 Triathlon Crash
9/9/2013 6:52 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
What happens after Jon Cryer falls off his bike? HE GETS BACK ON ... even if that crash was super bloody and required 3 months of rehab.
After that brutal wipe out at the 2012 Nautica Malibu Triathlon, the "Two and a Half Men" star RETURNED to compete at the event this weekend ... and unlike last year, he finished without injury.
After the race, Cryer told TMZ ... it took 3 months of intense physical therapy to recover from the 2012 crash ... a crash that occurred when Cryer lost control of his bike when speeding down a hill, resulting in some serious road rash.
Bottom line -- Cryer's sort of a badass.
Charlie Sheen to Judge
Jon Cryer Did it Right!
Brooke Deserves Zip for Child Support
7/11/2013 11:20 AM PDT BY TMZ STAFF
Charlie Sheen is using his old "Two and a Half Men" co-star Jon Cryer to try to convince the courts that Brooke Mueller's child support payment should be reduced from $55,000/month to ZERO ... TMZ has learned.
As TMZ first reported ... Charlie filed documents requesting the massive change in child support because Brooke currently doesn't have custody of their boys, Bob and Max ... while she's in and out of rehab.
In the docs, Charlie references Cryer's divorce -- where his ex-wife was arrested in 2009 for alleged child abuse and temporarily lost custody of their son.
Charlie says Cryer requested his support payments "be reduced from $10,000 per month to zero" -- and the court did lower the amount of support ... thereby setting a precedent, Charlie feels, for his current situation with Brooke.
The docs also list some astronomical financial details, such as the fact Charlie earns more than $740,000 per month (before taxes) -- and has more than $90,000/month in expenses on all his homes.
By the way, that $55k isn't all Brooke gets each month -- according to Charlie he also foots the bill for ALL the kids' expenses ... including therapy, medical, schooling, and more -- for a grand total of $30,000/month.
It's clear Charlie's point to the court is -- Brooke doesn't need the the $55k anyway.