Humor

Joan Rivers tells TMZ ... she doesn't believe Anthony Weiner is fit to hold public office ... 'cause he's a total "piece of garbage."

Joan was in NY yesterday -- and wished us a happy Rosh Hashanah -- when the topic turned to the most famous Jew vs. Jew battle since Cain and Abel ... Anthony Weiner vs. The Jewish guy in the deli.

"[Weiner] was like, 'Don't judge me!'" Joan said ... adding, "No, we don't, we just judge your penis."

There's a pretty good "pulling out" joke in the clip too. Check it out.

Dave Chappelle is lashing out about the people who heckled him in Hartford, CT last week ... calling the crowd a bunch of "young, white alcoholics" and saying he wanted to pull a "reverse Kramer."

Chappelle took the stage at a show in Chicago last night ... and immediately went off on Hartford -- where he engaged in a nasty stand-off with the crowd after several loudmouthed fans heckled him during his set.

"I don't want anything bad to happen to the United States," Chappelle said ... "but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God I hope it lands in Hartford, Connecticut."

Chappelle then called the crowd "evil" ... and described them as a bunch of "young, white alcoholics."

"I wanted to pull a reverse Kramer and call them all crackers or something crazy like that."

Chappelle was obviously referring to the TMZ footage of Michael Richards during his insane N-bomb tirade at the Laugh Factory back in 2006.

In the end, Dave says the crowd in Hartford was lucky to see him "freak out" that night -- explaining, "That s**t's like being at a f**king tiger show the night Sigfried and Roy got their throats bit out by the tiger ... you don't go to see somebody be safe."

Dave Chappelle went off on an angry crowd in Connecticut last night -- refusing to perform his material and telling the the audience to BOO THEMSELVES after he was heckled during the show.

Chappelle had only been on stage for a few minutes when he started to become irritated with some loudmouthed people in the crowd. As an act of defiance, Chappelle reportedly sat on his stool and with his mouth shut for several minutes.

Eventually, Chappelle grabbed the mic and told the crowd: "I f**ked up when I left my show, you know why? 'Cause my show only has to be 22 minutes of television. I could've went on television, I could've read the phone book for 22 minutes and I would've got $50 million dollars."

"I shoulda done that sh*t but my ego wouldn't let me. Tonight is different. Tonight my contract says 25 minutes and I have 3 minutes left. and when my 3 minutes is up, my ass is gone."

When people started to boo the comic, Chappelle responded, "You're booing yourself."

After the show, dozens of pissed off fans demanded a refund.

People seem to be divided over Chappelle's reaction -- with comics like Patton Oswalt blaming the crowd: "Dear Dave Chappelle's fans: He's one of the best comedians working, & you're not letting him do what he loves. Stop being a**holes."

Felix from "The Hangover" -- aka the old man who gets his balls checked in the best hospital scene ever -- has passed away at the age of 91, TMZ has learned.

The actor's name was Murray Gershenz, and his rep tells us he died from a fatal heart attack Wednesday.

Murray didn't begin his acting career until the age of 80, but he had since accumulated an impressive body of work ... including movie roles in "The Hangover," and "I Love You Man" ... and TV roles on "Parks and Recreation," "Will & Grace," "Mad Men," "Modern Family," and a bunch of sketches on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

Up until his death, Murray's rep says the actor was in stellar shape.

The actor is survived by his 3 children, his 2 grandchildren, and his 2 great grandchildren.

John Pinette -- best known for his role as the fat guy who got mugged in the "Seinfeld" finale -- has checked himself into rehab after becoming addicted to prescription medication ... TMZ has learned.

A rep for the venue in Canada where John was set to perform in next month says Pinette had to postpone the gig because he was checking into a rehab facility for his addiction.

The rep says John -- who also had his own Comedy Central special in 2011 -- underwent surgery earlier this year and got hooked to the prescription medication he was taking.

John has since tweeted to his fans about the situation -- saying, "Thanks to everyone for your concern and well wishes.. Want to apologize for having missed shows last weekend, but I hope you understand!"

In case you're not a "Seinfeld" fan (WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?) ... Here's his famous scene from the super disappointing finale.

At least the reunion on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" kinda-sorta-not-really made up for it.

Let's have some fun with math -- if Kevin Hart is 5'4" ... without heels ... how tall is LeBron James when he's slouching?

For some perspective: here's a short list of other celebs who are 5'4" ... Britney Spears, Björk, Tina Turner, Drew Barrymore, Winona Ryder, Pink, Fergie, Shania Twain, and Harvey Levin (standing on a box).

They both experimented with drugs ... they both torpedoed their careers ... and now Lindsay Lohan and Kenny Powers are joining forces on "Eastbound and Down," TMZ has learned.

SPOILER ALERT: sources close to production tell us, Lindsay signed on to play the adult version of Kenny's illegitimate daughter on the HBO series finale ... and she's currently filming on set in North Carolina.

Makes sense Kenny's kid would become Lindsay Lohan. If you recall, Kenny stashed his bong and all sorts of sex toys in the room of his infant son's room at the end of last season.

It's a pretty big opportunity for Lindsay -- her first real acting gig since she left rehab -- because if she's funny, a spin-off could be in the cards. Crazier things have happened.

Now here's a clip of Kenny Powers dancing his face off on ecstasy.

Kevin Hart will NOT sport an orange jumpsuit anytime soon -- the comedian cut a deal following his high speed DUI arrest.

TMZ broke the story ... Kevin was charged with two counts of DUI stemming from his April bust, after cops say he flew down an L.A. highway at 90 MPH, almost crashed into a gas tanker and then bombed a field sobriety test. We're told his BAC was almost TWICE the legal limit -- .15.

Kevin just pled no contest to one count of DUI -- driving with a blood alcohol content of .08 or higher -- in exchange the other count was dropped.

Kevin was sentenced to 3 years probation and 3 months of alcohol education classes.

Fact is ... almost no one gets jail time for a first DUI, but it's still a sweet deal because Kevin admitted he was waaaasted.

Lindsay Lohan can take a joke -- even when she's the butt of it ... and she wasted no time teeing off on her latest rehab stint while guest hosting "Chelsea Lately."

Linds just wrapped her first gig since getting out of rehab on Tuesday -- and sources inside the show tell us she freely cracked jokes like, "I've been on a 90-day court ordered vacation."

In LiLo's defense ... she probably didn't write the jokes.

We're told Lindsay also busted on Chelsea Handler for drinking too much -- and overall was "very funny" ... especially during the round table segment with comedians Jen Kirkman and Fortune Feimster.

Linds also got some eye candy for her troubles -- getting to interview Dylan Bruce from the BBC show "Orphan Black."

Don't say Chelsea never did anything for you, Lindsay.

OK ... this video is INSANE -- but in a good way ... a way that's going to make you laugh, make you shake your head, laugh again ... and then wonder, "What the hell did I just watch?"

The star of the video is Denver Nuggets superstar Kenneth Faried -- who also happens to be on the cover of the ESPN body issue ... the one with all the naked athletes.

The 23-year-old was leaving Lure nightclub in Hollywood last night -- and seemed a little boozy (but in a playful way) ... when things quickly spun out of control.

First -- our guy had no idea who Kenneth was (so Kenneth messed with him and told him he's a soccer player ... pretty funny).

As Kenneth continues to mess with our guy, one of the NBA star's friends whips out the ESPN mag ... and our photog finally puts 2 and 2 together. It's hilarious.

And that's when the REAL fun begins ... with our photog asking about the naked photo shoot:

Photog: Were you nervous in the nude?
Kenneth: No! My d**k is big!!!

Kenneth then holds up the cover and starts musing on and on about his physique ... "I'm a SEXY INDIVIDUAL. Look at that s**t. You see that s**t? Look at them yams! Look at them abs!"

KF also says he's down to do Playgirl ... but there's a catch.

The best part of the encounter ... Kenneth took the responsible route home -- and got into a waiting SUV.

Kanye West obviously needs a brand new music video after his other one fizzled online this week -- so we decided to do the man a solid and make him a new one ... BY REMIXING THIS WEEK'S PAPARAZZI TANTRUM!!!

You can read the story behind the video here, but that's not really today's lesson.

Today's lesson is obvious ... D-D-D-DON'T TALK TO KANYE!!! AT ALL!!!

Subscribe to our YouTube channel here. Just be quiet about it, so Kanye doesn't hear you.

7/12 -- Ok, look ... we're having a pretty intense convo in the newsroom. We can't really tell our Mannings apart.

Some people think Peyton's the one in the red shirt ... honestly, we can't really tell.

If only they were wearing their Super Bowl rings.

He's already got 2 ringz ... but this week, Eli Manning threw on 2 Chainz ... and gangster'd himself out (along with his brother Peyton) ... for another DirecTV commercial shoot in New Orleans, and TMZ has the pic.

With Eli sporting a red Kanye-inspired jacket and a quasi-mullet ... and Peyton sporting a Jew-fro and Birdman shades ... we're guessing the NFL superstars were doing another one of those goofy spots for Sunday Ticket.

Back in 2011, the two dressed up like cops ... it was hilarious.

More importantly ... you know what this means?? FOOTBALL SEASON IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!!

Remember the Golden Sisters??? Those grandmas who got famous for their play-by-play of the Kim Kardashian sex tape??? Well, now they're TWERKING ... and TMZ has the footage.

FYI, their names are Mary Bartnicki (82), Josie Cavaluzzi (74), Teresa Dahlquist (74) ... and their Kim K video was so huge, it landed them a reality show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Now, they've got Miley Cyrus' twerk video in their sights ... and they LOVE IT.

Don't worry ... no hips were broken in the making of this clip.

Amy Schumer wants Method Man to Wu her Tang ... seriously.

The Comedy Central star was at LAX recently -- where she seemed shocked by her meteoric surge in fame -- but still took time to talk to TMZ about vaginal homicide ... a la Amanda Bynes.

WARNING: Never pass out drunk at a Paris Hilton party ... because her immature friends will dress you up in embarrassing clothes and then take photos of you.

The above pic was snapped at Paris' 4th of July bash in Malibu ... and as you can see, some poor schmuck obviously had a little too much to drink and fell asleep on a beach chair.

Thankfully, Paris and her friends let him snooze peacefully until he woke up. Just kidding, they dressed him up in a bikini top and gave him a purse and sunglasses. Then took photos.

As far as we know, no markers were involved ... those are this guy's actual tattoos ... but still, HILARIOUS.

Except not really.

One erects buildings, the other erects ... well, you know ... but it seems a construction company in Canada is taking a shot at Kim Kardashian with a hilarious street sign, and TMZ has the pic.

The Bay Adelaide Centre in Toronto, Ontario is currently under construction -- but in an effort to alleviate public concern, building honchos posted a sign telling the locals, "Construction set to finish faster than a Kim Kardashian marriage."

Ha.

We're told the sign was created by legendary comedy group Second City ... and is part of an ongoing series of jokey boards that will be used until the project is complete.

For the record, the construction WON'T be completed fasted than a Kim K marriage -- 'cause her union with Kris Humphries was over in 72 days ... and the project won't end until 2015.