The Kardashians

Bruce Jenner looked mighty unhappy Wednesday ... after "In Touch" ran a cover story with a Photoshopped pic and a caption touting his life as a woman.

Jenner was tooling around Calabasas, smoking a cig, as he pondered whatever was on his mind.

Our Bruce sources tell us he doesn't care what the tabloids say about him, but it must have been hard to avoid seeing the cover.

As for Kris, she says the magazine was mean, whether or not its story had any foothold on the truth.

Kris Jenner is telling close friends ... she's outraged at "In Touch" for photoshopping a pic of ex-hubby Bruce Jenner on the cover with all the female fixin's.

The cover is shocking ... Bruce has never said he's going down the road to change his sex, but the cover reads that way. Kris is telling friends, "It's just mean to do whether or not it's true."

Her reaction is interesting and somewhat equivocal, but she's saying she has contempt for the mag jumping to conclusions and then altering the image to fit its story.

As for Bruce ... one of his close friends just told us, "He doesn't even pay attention to this stuff."

Kylie Jenner is scoffing at reports she got a boob job ... she's saying her busty Instagram photo is just the work of a fancy bra.

Our Kardashians sources say Kylie bought a new Victoria's Secret bra -- called Bombshell -- which increases your bust by 2 cup sizes. It's the bra Taylor Swift wore at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

There are reports Bruce is upset over Kris allowing Kylie to get plastic surgery, but it's not true because she didn't go under the knife.

And, we're told Kris, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney thought the bra made Kylie look so good they ordered some for themselves.

It's confirmed ... Kim Kardashian isn't a terrorist ... but TSA just got all up in that bitch just to make sure.

Kim's five-alarm booty must have tripped the sensors Wednesday at a LAX security checkpoint ... she got the royal pat down by a female TSA officer while an annoyed Kanye West looked on.

It's unclear how long it took or what prompted it, but one thing we know for sure ... nothing fell between the cracks in this search.

11:30 AM PT -- Sheen tweeted an apology to Kim. He wrote:

Dear Kim,
my extreme bad.
really embarrassed by my
actions.
I was already pissed about some other crap that had nothing to do with you.
I heard a story that
bothered me.
wrote some trash you didn't deserve. Ever.
I'm an idiot as often as I'm a genius.
that day, clearly I was the
former.
xox
c
#ShutUpSheen

Charlie Sheen isn't done with Kim Kardashian, telling TMZ, "Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!"

Charlie tells us he actually didn't mean to send the vicious tweet this morning, saying he wrote it a month ago and it accidentally posted Tuesday morning. Nevertheless, he says he stands by it.

Charlie ranted that Kim turned a cold shoulder to a 6-year-old girl who wanted her autograph. Charlie wrote, "Go f yourself," saying Kim's ass was "gross" and "giggly."

Although he deleted the post, he says he stands by his comments. Charlie tells us it's a true story which he heard from C. Thomas Howell. Charlie says Howell told him the girl waited for Kim at a lunch place and politely asked her for her John Hancock when they were alone in the parking lot. He says Kim told her assistant, "Oh God, can you handle this."

Charlie says, "The assistant and dooshy got in her car and pulled out and sped past the poor little 6-year-old without even a glance to the child."

Charlie Sheen went on a wild rant against Kim Kardashian in the wee hours Tuesday morning, telling her to go "f yourself" for allegedly crushing a little girl's dream.

Charlie says a friend told him about a 6-year-old girl who worshiped Kim and asked her for her autograph. Charlie says Kim turned the kid down flat, adding, "She cries about it every night before she goes to sleep."

And that's when he goes off: "you are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly [sic] bag of funk you dare call an ass."

He dares her to compare resumes with him, and then says, "your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself."

His parting shot, "My apologies to your hubby, great guy I'm sure, I hope his vision returns one day."

He signs it "c." Not even a "sincerely."

Sheen deleted the post a short while later.

11:30 AM PT -- Charlie has now apologized.

Bruce Jenner and his boys could be battling the Kardashians for TV ratings -- multiple production companies are interested in inking a deal with Bruce and his clan to do their own show.

Sources close to the situation tell us most of the offers involve shooting, ironically, Kardashian-style -- following Bruce and his 3 sons while they race cars, travel, and just generally bro out. Think "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" ... with a bit more testosterone.

No deal's been signed yet. As we've previously reported, Bruce has soured on shooting reality TV. However, we're told he'd be game for a new opportunity -- where Kris Jenner is NOT the executive producer ... like she is on 'KUWTK.'

Bruce is still under contract on that show, so if a Jenner project takes off ... he'd probably have to fight to get out of his E! contract.

No longer will Scott Disick simply suckle off the Kardashian teet -- he's actually putting in an honest day's work ... as a Beverly Hills house flipper.

According to our sources, Disick scooped up a five-bedroom, six-bath house in BH recently. There have been reports Kourtney Kardashian finally kicked Scott to the curb -- and this would be his new bachelor pad ... but it's actually his first flipping project.

We're told Scott is bringing in a full design team to redo most of the place -- in hopes of eventually turning a profit -- and some of the K Krew is also pitching in to help.

Our sources say Scott wants to make house flipping his new steady source of cash -- and he could get a major bonus out of it. The 'Keeping Up' cameras have been shooting his work on the house, and there's talk of a possible spin-off focusing on his design adventures.

Lord help us.

Brody Jenner's ass was tapped to perform at the biggest porn event of the year -- he'll be getting handsy at the opening party for the sex industry's Oscars ... as the house DJ.

Our impeccable porn sources tell us the Adult Video News Awards Show (AVNs) lined up BJ and DJ William Lifestyle to double team the Kickoff Party on Jan. 21st at the Hard Rock.

As we first told you ... the AVNs are also gunning for Lorde to perform during the award ceremony. No word if she's officially turned them down responded yet.

We're told Brody's pulling in five figures for the gig ... plus fringe benefits, of course.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West spend a lot of time apart, but TMZ has learned their recent home purchase could put an end to the long distance part of their relationship.

According to our sources, Kimye purchased the house next door to their Hidden Hills dream home so they can expand their property ... to nearly five acres.

We're told the plan is to build a giant park for kids, a basketball court and a full music studio for Kanye ... so he doesn't have to venture off to Paris or Mexico to record his albums.

Our sources say a full movie theater, game room and a spa for Kim are also in the works, as well as a detached guest house.

Now Rob will never be homeless.

Khloe Kardashian isn't bailing on her divorce -- she fully intends to follow through one year after filing -- the problem is she can't schedule a sit down with Lamar Odom.

Sources close to the Kardashian's tell us Khloe has been unable to meet with her estranged husband to finalize terms of the divorce with their lawyers ... despite numerous attempts.

We're told the ex-basketball star isn't responding to calls from Khloe or her attorney -- and he's very rarely popped up in public. Certainly not long enough to make things official. Our camera guys spotted LO 3 weeks ago ... and he seemed more than fine leaving the divorce/marriage in limbo.

Remember, Lamar once said he wasn't convinced Khloe would see the divorce through.

However, KK definitely wants to cut the cord for good. We're told her best case scenario is meeting Lamar to settle up -- but worst case ... she will file a default judgment if he doesn't respond soon.

Kim Kardashian is upset for a very good reason ... as hard as she's been trying, she can't get pregnant.

Kim has been very open with friends and family ... she and Kanye have been trying to have another baby for the last 9 months but nothing has worked. Kim has been to fertility doctors, but they've made it clear ... having another baby is a long shot.

Turns out North West was a miracle baby ... she had 3 specialists tell her she couldn't get pregnant before North was conceived.

Kim and Kanye assumed the second baby would be easier since it worked once, but the doctors are telling her that's not the case.

We're told Kim is trying to reduce her stress and cut down on traveling ... per doctor's advice.

Kris Jenner had her first XMAS bash as a single woman ... lots of friends but notable absences.

There are reports Kim and Kanye were no shows, but take a look at the 2 pics of Kim and Kanye separately in what looks like the photo booth inside the party.

Khloe shook her ass, Kendall sexed it up, and we'd say Kylie did the same but she's 17.

Bruce was a no show ... ditto Rob, Brody and Brandon.

The bash was thrown at Kris' Calabasas mansion, where she had a giant tent constructed and laced with XMAS lights.

Is Kris Jenner the happiest person you've ever seen who went through a divorce?

10:45 AM PT -- Turns out Bruce did show up to the party ... and snapped a pic with his daughters.

Kris Jenner is through watching all of her daughters strip down and bare it all ... the 59-year-old clearly wants in on the action ... and the result is weird as hell.

Kris and Kendall Jenner won't be breaking the Internet anytime soon with this bizarre vid shot for LOVE Magazine's advent calendar ... it's a head-scratcher for sure.

When you're done eyeballing her long-legged 19-year-old daughter check out how a robotic Kris comes off like the sad mom embarrassing her kids at a sleepover.

Well ... at least they don't make out.

Take a look.

She's hooked up with jocks before, but the new rumors about Khloe Kardashian dating NBA star Robin Lopez seems like BS ... so says Kim's BFF Jonathan Cheban.

Cheban -- who's super tight with all of the Kardashian sisters -- was leaving Craig's in West Hollywood last night when we asked about reports that Khloe and Robin have become an item.

"I was with her yesterday, I didn't hear anything about that," Cheban told us.

The "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" star said he wouldn't be shocked if Khloe eventually began dating another famous athlete ... explaining that a relationship with a normie can get pretty boring for someone on Khloe's level.

As for Robin, he also shot down the rumors this weekend ... and says the media made up the story.

"Obviously they were looking for two people with a lot of influence on popular culture, on the youth, and they were looking for two movers and shakers," Lopez said.

Kylie Jenner and her bf Tyga tried to make a quick exit during their first date night in front of the paparazzi -- but the valet ... and Tyga's fancy car had other plans.

Tylie (yeah, we said it) have been all over Instagram together, but have never been out together at a big L.A. hot spot ... until Thursday night.

Kylie tried to bolt for the passenger door, while covering her face ... but unfortunately for her ... the valet could not figure out how to open the doors on Tyga's Lambo.

They do eventually make their getaway -- but you gotta see the keystone cops routine while they try to figure out how to get in their ride.

Oh, and she's still 17 and he's still 25. Just for the record.