You Might Want to Rethink

Mike Epps will not face criminal charges for allegedly punching a woman in the face at a movie premiere party ... but he's not completely off the hook -- and neither is the alleged victim.

We broke the story ... Simone Shepherd says she got into it with Epps' wife at the "Haunted House 2" premiere party ...and claims Epps hauled off and smacked her in the face.

Mike insists he never laid a finger on her ... but Shepherd showed us photos of her swollen jaw and claims the injuries were courtesy of Epps.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... Epps won't be charged, but he's been ordered to attend a City Attorney hearing -- where he'll be lectured on the law and the importance of keeping the peace.

Sean "Diddy" Combs gave a rousing speech to the graduating class at Howard University today, and while the speech had its moments … it sure seemed to be an awful lot about how it was HIS day … more than theirs.

Diddy's speech didn't seem too scripted and went on for quite a while. He talked a lot about running the New York City Marathon in 2003 after only eight weeks of training.

He also quoted Biggie several times and hashtagged his own speech midway through.

Christ Bearer is finally breaking his silence about why he cut off his penis before jumping out a window ... telling TMZ it was depression over not being able to see his daughters that drove him to commit the insane act.

Oh, and he also got his penis back. We'll get to that later ...

C.B. -- part of the Wu-Tang affiliate Killa Beez -- tells TMZ that night last month was a rough one for him. He says he was feeling super alone ... unable to see his two daughters because of restraining orders and a third child on the way.

C.B. tells us he started to smoke weed and read a book about monks and vasectomies. C.B. says it felt like his world was collapsing, and with the thoughts of kids and vasectomies in his head ... he decided to take matters into his own hands. Clearly, it did not turn out well.

But there was a happy ending. C.B. says plastic surgeons were able to reattach his manhood and he has regained full functionality ... though he might not be able to have kids. So ... mission accomplished?

As for his future with Wu-Tang, he'd only say, "I am the f***ing Wu Tang."

Miley Cyrus recovers like no other -- after nine days in a hospital bed she hit the London club scene with the perfect night nurse ... legendary party girl Kate Moss.

Miley sported her best bra and leggings as she strolled into her hotel -- around 3:30 AM, according to paps -- after a night out at Madame Jojo's nightclub in SoHo.

You might recall ... even if she doesn't ... Miley had an extended hospitalized stay last month after what her peeps said was an allergic reaction to antibiotics.

She canceled several tour dates as a result.

Do you find that picture of Willow Smith on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old guy ... to be just a little sexual? Well, her mom Jada Pinkett Smith says get your mind out of the gutter!

Actually, she didn't say it quite that nicely ...

Jada Pinkett Smith was locked and loaded Wednesday ... telling photogs the pic of her 13-year-old daughter in a bed with a 20-year-old guy was innocent ... and we're all "covert pedophiles" for thinking otherwise.

Jada arrived at LAX for a trip to NYC ... and she was brimming with anger, knowing we'd ask about the pic of Willow and her friend, "Hannah Montana" star Moises Arias.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hit in the head with a shovel ... but TMZ has learned police are investigating the infamous "shovel girl" video ... and assault charges now loom.

By now you've seen the video ... two girls are fighting when one grabs a shovel and throws it at the other ... nailing her in the back of the head as she hightails it out.

Now a rep for the Miami County Sheriff's office in Ohio tells TMZ ... they've assigned a deputy to investigate after they were contacted by the girls' high school. Maj. Steve Lord tells TMZ ... the girl who threw the shovel could be charged with assault or disorderly conduct.

Miley Cyrus taught her teen audience in London a very important lesson Tuesday night -- 1) quit smoking cigarettes ... and start smoking weed instead ... because weed will keep you young and get you laid.

Cyrus was performing at the O2 arena when she smelled cigarette smoke and went off on a bizarre rant about how she no longer smokes cigarettes because they're bad for her health and her looks ... but WEED is a whole other story ...

You gotta take a listen -- she also says, "I'm cracked out on B vitamins."

She can't stop. She won't stop.

Former Vogue honcho Andre Leon Talley is definitely our pick of the week.

Talley dug deep during his interview with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West during Monday night's Met Gala ... and then touched the golden couple with his fool's gold.

It's unclear how much time passes before the dig and the touch, but Talley is clearly seen touching Kim's shoulder as he kisses her goodbye ... before using the same hand to shake Kanye's.

Kevin Hart and Mike Epps' epic Twitter war has gotten nasty, personal, and sometimes hysterical -- but more than anything else ... it's FAKE, and TMZ's got the evidence straight from Kevin's mouth.

The shots started flying when Mike went on the radio last weekend and called Kevin the most overrated comedian out there.

Then things really got heated when Kevin fired back with a tweet that Mike needed help selling tickets to his shows, adding, "Why don't you do us all a favor and Kill your god damn self."

Brutal ... no doubt, but here's the problem -- Kevin and Mike went HAM like this last year, and when we grilled Kev about it (in March of 2013) ... he totally copped to it being a social media set up.

Will Smith's 13-year-old daughter took a pic in bed that's raising a lot of eyebrows ... because she's laying next to a topless 20-year-old man.

In the photo ... Willow Smith is in bed -- fully clothed and on top of the covers -- and an actor named Moises Arias is sitting next to her sans shirt.

Moises -- best known for his role as Rico on "Hannah Montana" -- and Willow don't appear to be touching each other in the black and white shot he posted on Instagram ... still it's a strange scene.

Moises eventually deleted his IG post -- but other people have reposted it and called the image perverted.

It appears the pic was taken by Moises and Willow's friend ... who posted the bed photo and several others of Willow, Jaden Smith and the Jenner girls.

Madonna's not ACTUALLY a slutty attention whore who planned to expose her nipples at the fanciest event in the world -- literally dressed like Leeloo from "The Fifth Element" -- at least that's what she's saying now ... claiming the photo she posted online Monday was a joke.

Sources close to the singer tell TMZ, she was just kidding when she posted the photo with the caption, "What i wanted to wear to Met Ball but Anna [Wintour] said Not this year! So I'm gonna work on music instead?"

Our sources say Madonna didn't even have plans to go to the Gala ... she was in the studio Monday night during the event and will stay there all week.

This just in: Madonna is 55 years old.

12:50 PM PT -- Porsha just released a statement, apologizing for the video -- saying, "God loves all of his children ... The sermon was shown not in its entirety, therefore the message was omitted."

She adds, "I apologize that those words hurt the LGBT community, my fans and my supporters. Life is a journey and I'm growing every day."

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Porsha Williams needs to pick one team or the other -- co-star Cynthia Bailey tells us, Porsha's currently playing both sides of the gay community ... condemning them to hell one day, and performing at popular gay clubs the next.

Cynthia's responding to video TMZ posted Monday, showing Porsha preaching at a Georgia church in 2010 about how gays are just like hookers, drug dealers, and suicidal people ... they're ALL sinners who need to be saved.

Cynthia called Porsha's pulpit rant disappointing -- telling us, "To put gays and lesbians in the same category as drug dealers, hookers, and people who attempt suicide is ignorant and insensitive. Especially when she just recently profited from performing at a popular gay club in NYC. #flipflop"

Porsha performed at El Morocco on May 2nd.

Gay RHOA cast member Miss Lawrence agrees, telling us, "I think some women use the community as a convenience ... i.e. for gay slang, fan base building, and beauty security. But like always, true character always reveals."

V. Stiviano glammed up her ridiculous visor with a bandana and a sombrero of sorts ... conceivably in celebration of the Mexican holiday, Cinco de Mayo.

And then she rode a black mechanical bull.

¿Cómo se dice ... your 15 minutes of fame are almost over?

Ben Affleck can keep doubling down and splitting Aces in Sin City ... because he just got offered a blackjack safe haven where he won't be 86'd for card counting.

Derek Stevens owns The D Casino Hotel and Golden Gate Hotel in downtown Vegas -- and he wants Ben to bring his chips from the strip without worrying about getting swooped up by security.

TMZ broke the story -- Ben was escorted out of the Hard Rock Casino last week after security labeled him an "advantage player," believing he was counting cards in blackjack.

Stevens tells us, "The D Las Vegas is not afraid of Ben Affleck winning a few hands in a row," adding, "Ben can come play blackjack and not worry about security walking him out!"

Heading off the strip doesn't mean you lose whale status -- The D can accommodate high rollers up to $10K per hand.

Plus Golden Gate has the best $2.99 shrimp cocktail in town. It used to be $1.99 -- damn inflation.