Nurse!

Uncle Poodle is lucky to be alive after a New Year's Day health scare ... and no one cared.

Poodle tells TMZ he woke up with a dangerously elevated heart rate ... it felt like his heart was pounding out of his chest.

Docs put him under and used paddles to shock his heart back into rhythm.

The "Honey Boo Boo" clan never showed up ... not a single one of them. Poodle's bro, Sugar Bear, texted him a few times but otherwise it was radio silence. Not even a damn flower.

Poodle says he specifically texted Mama June but she clearly was not on his "get well soon" list.

Here's the bigger problem. Poodle was laid up in a hospital bed for a week, and the $150K bill is all his ... no health insurance.

The surgeon who performed the throat procedure on Joan Rivers the day she went into cardiac arrest wrote an article telling his fellow doctors it's not cost-effective to have an anesthesiologist present for procedures like the one that killed Joan.

Dr. Lawrence Cohen -- who was also the Medical Director of the Yorkville Endoscopy Center -- wrote in 2012 ... it was not always COST-EFFECTIVE to have an anesthesiologist on board for outpatient endoscopic procedures.

Dr. Cohen writes, "Although we can all agree that [monitored anesthesia care] is a highly effective and safe method of sedation, the question is whether it is worth the extra cost to our health care system."

Dr. Cohen then answers his question: "The answer is clearly no."

Dr. Cohen crunches the number in his article, saying the average cost for an anesthesiologist is $400 per procedure, but the risk of death is 1 out of 100,000. Cohen therefore concludes it costs $40,000,000 to save one life, adding that cost "far exceeds ... an acceptable level of cost-effectiveness."

There was an anesthesiologist present at the beginning of the procedure, but our sources say it's unclear if she was there when Joan's vital signs plummeted. A scathing report blamed the doctors for being inattentive and not noticing her vital signs were in the danger zone.

Drake Bell's run-in with the bottom of a swimming pool is why his music career is now in jeopardy.

We now know why Drake came out this week and said doctors have given him the bad news ... he'll never play guitar again.

Drake was at his brother's house for a birthday party in November, horsing around in the pool when he dove in, not realizing the bottom was closer than he thought. Drake's wrist slammed into the concrete, shattering it.

Doctors performed surgery and rejiggered his wrist with plates and screws, and then put it in a cast.

The cast was removed last week and after eyeballing the results Drake's doctors told him he will never be able to play guitar again. Shredding is way too taxing for his limited mobility.

So Drake can still sing, but his act has always included a guitar, so now he's gotta hire someone and it may not be the same.

But Drake is still banking on a medical miracle, with the help of intensive physical therapy.

Beanie Sigel is roughly 1.3 pounds lighter ... after having his lung removed.

It was not elective surgery. Doctors just couldn't save the organ because it was riddled with fragments from a bullet someone fired into his stomach last month.

Someone opened fire as the hip-hop mogul returned home from taking his kids to school. It was a drive-by and cops believe Sigel was not the target ... the shooter was gunning for the guy standing next to him.

Sigel was released from the hospital he's called home since December 5. He went directly to Bacharach Institute for Rehabilitation in Pomona, NJ, where he'll spend the next 90 days learning how to function with one lung.

As for the shooter ... he's still on the loose.

No, a backdoor didn't smack Farrah Abraham in the face ... she got what could well be the worst lip injections in the annals of medical history.

Farrah may look monsterish, but that didn't stop her from posting the pics online herself with the caption, "Girlfriends don't say I didn't warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit"

We're told Farrah was getting a new procedure, where the doctor puts an implant in the patients lip ... which in theory is cost effective because you don't have to maintain the work with fillers.

Farrah says she researched the doctor and the procedure and decided it was a safe bet. She was wrong. She says the doctors injected her with an anesthetic before the procedure ... and believes she had a MAJOR allergic reaction.

Farrah is no stranger to artificially enhancing body parts, but this takes the cake.

The "Backdoor Teen Mom" star tried to put a good face on it, comparing herself to Leela from "Futurama."

The goal of "The Bachelor's" 3-hour Season 19 premiere was to end up with a rose ... not an IV bag.

Former "Bachelor in Paradise" contestant Clare Crawley got comfy with paramedics Monday night ... after experiencing hot flashes, severe cramping, and unbearable nausea following a full day of partying leading up to the show's premiere party.

Clare tells TMZ after walking the red carpet she began to feel sick ... so while the rest of the crew partied she went back to her hotel room with former Bachelor contestant Michelle Money.

She was in such bad shape, Money called 911 ... LAFD came to the rescue with anti-nausea meds and tons of fluids ... while Money snapped an Insta-pic to chronicle the illness.

Crawley thinks dehydration and an empty stomach played a big part -- that and the fact she claims she never drinks ... which she did that night.

DATING TIP: Guys like a woman who can handle their liquor.

Stuart Scott was so passionate about continuing his MMA training during his fight with cancer, he REFUSED to quit ... even after doctors implanted a chemotherapy port into his chest.

"He was such an impressive person," says Sensei Darin Reisler ... who trained Scott in Connecticut.

"During his last round of chemotherapy, when he would train, he was training with the chemotherapy port surgically implanted in his chest. He did mixed martial arts... with a chemo port in his chest!"

Scott had said MMA training helped to get his energy up after grueling chemo sessions -- but Sensei Darin says Stuart wasn't just training to help himself.

"He really looked out for the needs of others. He was the first person to volunteer to work with a new student, and he always had a smile on his face."

The Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney dislocated his shoulder yesterday in St. Barths ... after a humongous wave slammed him to the ocean floor.

Patrick was rushed to an ER and put under with anesthesia so doctors could reset his shoulder.

The drummer is out of the hospital and recovering ... but we're told he's still in a whole lot of pain.

Legendary ESPN anchor Stuart Scott has died at the age of 49 ... after a long battle with cancer.

The network made the announcement Sunday morning.

Scott joined ESPN in '93 as the host of "SportsNight" ... and eventually became a staple on "SportsCenter." He became a national superstar using catchphrases like "Boo-yah," "Call him butter, he's on a roll" and "Cooler than the other side of the pillow."

In July, Scott received the Jimmy V Perseverance Award at the ESPYs ... and opened up about his battle with cancer.

"When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live."

President Obama released a statement about Scott's passing ... saying, “I will miss Stuart Scott. Twenty years ago, Stu helped usher in a new way to talk about our favorite teams and the day’s best plays. For much of those twenty years, public service and campaigns have kept me from my family – but wherever I went, I could flip on the TV and Stu and his colleagues on ‘SportsCenter’ were there.”

Scott is survived by two daughters -- and at the ESPYs, said being a dad is the best thing he was ever able to do.

"Taelor and Sydni, I love you guys more than I will ever be able to express. You two are my heartbeat. I am standing here on this stage tonight because of you."

Scott was a fighter all the way 'til the end -- and had been doing intense MMA training in between cancer treatments. Scott's sensei told TMZ Sports Scott REFUSED to let anyone take it easy on him in the ring and was known around the training facility as a "battle horse."

The boyfriend of "Mob Wives" star Natalie Guercio wants to know how a guy with a boxcutter could slash him in a crowded nightclub, and then walk away clean ... and he's ready to sue to get answers.

London Rene tells TMZ he's already talked to his lawyer about taking Output Nightclub to court -- because he has two big problems with the Brooklyn hot spot's security team.

His first issue -- how alleged attacker, Rudy Lopez, got into Output armed with a weapon like a boxcutter. London says his attorney's requested security cam footage for a closer look at what happened when Lopez entered -- but he claims the club doesn't typically frisk guests.

Secondly, Rene says he subdued Lopez after the stabbing, took him to club security guards and asked them to hold him until police arrived. He claims security simply let him go.

We contacted Output ... so far, no word back.

Well, now we understand why Jay Z just HAD to take a pic with a fighter after a Muay Thai match this week ... the dude nearly decapitated a grown man with a ferocious spinning back elbow!!!

As we previously reported, Jay and Beyonce had date night at a Muay Thai fight in Phuket Thailand a few days ago ... and sat in the front row when a guy named Omar Z Tobasi got in the ring.

Check out the insane footage ... Tobasi busts a move straight outta "Street Fighter 2" ... and knocks the other dude into another dimension.

Jay was so impressed, he went to the ring and snapped a pic with the champ.

Ya gotta think ... with Jay running his own sports agency, is it possible he's thinking of expanding into the MMA world??? We'll see ...

"Mob Wives" star Natalie Guercio says she knows why her boyfriend got knifed -- and she wants to show how brutal the nightclub attack was ... by revealing his horrific wounds.

TMZ broke the story ... London Rene was repeatedly sliced in the face, abdomen and arm in a Brooklyn nightclub. Rodolfy "Rudy" Lopez was arrested Tuesday for the crime.

Natalie tells us she and London met Lopez through mutual friends, but things went south about 8 months ago. She claims Lopez began threatening London and accusing him of spreading rumors that Lopez was a FBI snitch. Clearly a no-no in the mob world.

London's wounds are extremely graphic, but it's easy to see -- just a few inches lower and he could be dead.

Chicago Bears superstar Brandon Marshall says he's on a 4-week timeout from flying -- and can't get on a plane to NYC for a deposition in his assault case ... all because of his collapsed lung.

TMZ Sports has learned ... the wide receiver was scheduled to appear for the depo on December 9th to defend himself against allegations he punched a woman in the face outside of a nightclub back in 2012.

But in court docs obtained by TMZ Sports, Marshall claims there's no way in hell he could've made it to the deposition because doctors have put him on a "no-fly restriction" due to injuries he suffered during a Thursday Night Football game on Dec. 4th.

According to docs submitted in the case ... the WR's overall condition is "good" and doctors had planned to reevaluate the NFL star toward the end of December.

We did a little digging ... and according to the British Lung Foundation, the reduced cabin pressure in planes makes it more difficult to breathe.

For his part, Marshall has denied any wrongdoing -- and has said his wife was the real victim during the night of the incident ... claiming she was hit with a bottle while leaving the club after a scuffle had broken out.

The fugitive who allegedly slashed the face of "Mob Wives" star London Rene ... turned himself into NYPD late Tuesday.

London's gf, and 'Mob' co-star Natalie Guercio tells TMZ Rodolfy "Rudy" Lopez was taken into custody after he walked into a Brooklyn police station. Earlier in the day ... police announced Lopez was wanted for the knife attack that went down early Sunday morning.

Natalie says cops called her and London to identify Lopez ... which she says they just did. He was booked for felony assault, reckless endangerment, and criminal possession of a weapon.

TMZ broke the story ... Lopez allegedly jumped London and slashed his face, abdomen, and arm.

Calls to Lopez's attorney haven't been returned.

The NYPD has identified the suspect who allegedly slashed the boyfriend of "Mob Wives" star Natalie Guercio early Sunday morning in a Brooklyn nightclub.

Rodolfy "Rudy" Lopez is wanted by police for the attack on London Rene. He allegedly took a box cutter to Rene's face, abdomen and arm ... then fled the scene before cops arrived.

Rene suffered a huge cut on his face and got more than 200 stitches. As TMZ first reported, Rene told police he knew the attacker. As for a motive? Rene told us on TMZ Live ... he thinks it has something to do with a longstanding "rumor" about Lopez.

Suge Knight has a belated Christmas gift for anyone who he thinks wronged him in 2014 ... and it sounds a lot worse than a lump of coal.

We fired off a simple question to Suge, Sunday night at Mastro's -- "Got any New Year's resolutions?" -- but his reply sounded like he was checking off a revenge list.

The former head of Death Row Records also said he supports Lil Wayne in his battle with Cash Money ... then seemed to make an unprompted, and puzzling, threat toward Drake.