You Might Want to Rethink

Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, says the notion that Tom compares his acting to fighting a war is a distortion, pointing to a section in the deposition -- not part of the deposition that was publicly released -- in which Tom is asked, "Do you believe the situations [being in a movie and fighting a war in Afghanistan] are the same?" Tom replies, "Oh come on." Fields says that clearly means "of course not."

For the record, here's Tom's quote, responding to the opposing lawyer in the deposition:

Lawyer: "Now, your counsel has publicly equated your absence from Suri for these extended periods of time as being analogous to someone fighting in Afghanistan. Are you aware of that?"

Cruise: "I didn't hear the Afghanistan, but that's what it feels like, and certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal."

Tom Cruise not only thinks he trains harder than Olympic athletes, he believes his job as a professional actor is as grueling as fighting the war in Afghanistan -- this according to legal docs obtained by TMZ.

As we reported, Cruise recently sat for a deposition in his $50 million libel suit against a magazine publisher that claimed he abandoned daughter Suri -- and his quotes are GOLD.

First, the Middle East -- Tom says his location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan, "That's what it feels like. And certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal."

As for his physical training, Tom said, "There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I've spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film." But the kicker, he adds, "A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I'm shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day."

But it's not all grenades and triathlons ... Tom says he's only flown commercial ONCE in the last 4 years ... and that was because he had no choice.

Charlie Sheen just violated the gag order in his custody case in a spectacular way, calling the judge Mr. "I'm Italian judge anus-brain," and threatening him if his kids are hurt in the newest custody configuration.

It's something of an understatement to say Charlie is not pleased that the judge just made Brooke Mueller's brother Scott the temporary guardian of twins Bob and Max. The judge also allowed Scott and the kids to live with Brooke so they could be close to school. That effectively puts Brooke back in the position of having full custody while she tries to beat her latest drug abuse problem.

Charlie just tweeted, "So lemme see if I got this straight ... my twin boys are now in harm's way and in grave danger, being 'raised' by a gaggle of incompetent and lascivious marionettes all ruled and fooled by an Adderall snorting husk called Brooke."

Now it gets good ... "And guess what CPS and 'I'm Italian' judge anus-brain, you may have gagged me temporarily, but mark my unspoken words, anything happens to my boys, and you will get to know me, know who I truly am, a loving father."

He ends, "Tag -- I'm it."

The judge just hauled Charlie into court a few days ago, telling him he's going to jail if he violates the gag order again.

1:00 PM PT -- Chad just apologized about the incident on Twitter, saying, "I want to apologize for my inappropriate antics at the drum clinic,my joke about team rivalries went too far. Flamenco [sic] fans...I'm sorry."

Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith might leave Brazil with some extra scar tissue ... 'cause a ton of fans in the country want him dead after he desecrated the jersey of the most popular club team in South America.

Chad made a big mistake Sunday afternoon in Belo Horizonte during a drum clinic when he was gifted a Flamengo soccer club jersey -- and shoved it down the back of his pants, as if to say he wipes his ass with it.

The crowd immediately boo'ed the crap out of Chad ... and one unruly fan even threw something at his HEAD!

RHCP already performed a few shows since the debacle ... but a big group of fans are just catching wind of what happened ... and now they're vowing to raise hell at tomorrow's RHCP concert in Rio.

One angry Flamengo fan wrote a death threat in the comments section of the YouTube page where the video was posted -- saying, "Will arrive in Rio de Janeiro you will die motherf***er."

Another said, "the fans of Flamengo wants to kill you, are already planning to invade his show to throw rocks at you."

Justin Bieber jacked a bicycle from a security guard in a Vegas casino ... AND GOT CAUGHT BY A COUPLE OF GIANT GOONS ... and TMZ has footage of the entire botched heist.

It all went down at The Palms Casino Resort on September 14 ... when JB and his crew were in town to watch the Floyd Mayweather fight.

Bieber entered the building through an employee entrance and stumbled upon a patrol bicycle in the hallway -- so, he took it.

Security footage shows Justin joyriding the bike through the halls -- while a security guard chased after him in an effort to get the bike back.

Eventually, a couple of bigger security guys -- dressed in suits (so you know they're not f**kin around) -- cornered Justin in the hallway and forced the pop star to hand over the stolen property.

We're told security gave Justin a stern talking to and eventually let him go.

#outlaw.

Charlie Sheen is scoffing at Brooke Mueller's team, which is trying to nail him for talking about Brooke on TMZ, saying, "If this is what they want, bring it 'cause I'll burn the house down."

Charlie is reacting to our story, in which we reported Brooke's team will ask a judge to sanction him for allegedly violating the gag orders in the custody and guardianship cases. Charlie called Brooke an evil whore -- among many other things -- who has done great damage to their twins.

Charlie is especially angry Brooke is getting her first overnight visit with the twins since she went to rehab. He tells TMZ Live his security guards will stand outside her house tonight and barge in if there's a sign of trouble.

Charlie tells TMZ, "Really, they're going to jail me for telling the truth"

And get this ... Charlie says, "If I actually go to jail for talking, I'll do interviews in jail," adding, "The only person more idiotic than Brooke in this case is the judge. The Dishonorable Judge Douchebag."

But wait ... there's more. Charlie says, "He [the judge] wants to put me in jail for trying to save my boys? Go for it, fatty. I'll eat his lunch from jail." And one more thing about the obviously large judge, "One meal he could afford to miss."

Conrad Murray -- a black man -- decided he wanted to go trick or treating as a gorilla last night ... and even swung from a tree. And it got us thinking ... why the hell would he do that???

Considering the history of horrible racist people comparing blacks to apes, it just seems like a bad idea.

Then again, there are some people in our office who feel that if any white person (or Latino, Asian or anyone else) can wear an ape costume on Halloween, a black guy should be able to do the same thing.

Hough was at the Casamigos Tequila party in Hollwood ... and dressed up as Crazy Eyes -- the popular character from "Orange is the New Black."

We're pretty sure Paula Deen would have been skewered if she did it. So we gotta ask ...

Kim Kardashian started an ass-selfie trend ... 'cause after she shared her bikini-wedgie with the world ... ANOTHER wanna-butt celeb is following suit.

This time, the chick showing off her donk is Mercedes "MJ" Javid from "Shahs of Sunset."

It's definitely a change of pace from Kim ... and pro surfer Anastasia Ashley, who beat MJ to the punch with a butt-selfie last week.

Butt-selfies -- sometimes they're not all they're cracked up to be.

The fate of the Los Angeles Lakers rests in the hands of Kobe Bryant ... which is why it might be concerning that his hands are near the mouth of A LIVE MAN-EATING LION!!!

Kobe faced down the king of the jungle at an L.A. studio today ... during a commercial shoot for Turkish Airlines. Kobe's a celebrity spokesman for the airline.

Check out the pics above ... that's Kobe sticking his right hand (his shooting hand, mind you) directly up to the lion's mouth.

Fortunately, Kobe emerged without a scratch ... and he's lucky ... 'cause as everyone knows, big cats can be dangerous to humans. Just ask Adam Sandler ...

Jason Momoa -- the guy who plays the enormous and terrifying Khal Drogo on "Game of Thrones" -- slapped the bejeezus out of some guy in Atlanta last night ... and it was all caught on tape.

The slappee posted the video on YouTube -- after he stupidly challenged the 6’5” "Conan the Barbarian" actor to a game of slaps, and got his ass destroyed.

Lindsay Lohan may have been reaching in the wrong direction last night because it looks like her hand was going straight for a wine bottle.

The pic was taken at a Hollywood Hills home where Lindsay was hanging out before attempting to catch a red eye back to NY. Lindsay got to the airport too late and missed her flight.

There are no photos of Lindsay actually clutching the bottle or drinking but the evidence is ominous.

Seems James Deen may have a brand new eskimo brother ... a guy named Brian Dawe ... 'cause it appears B.D. is now dating "Backdoor Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham.

Dawe and Farrah were pictured on a romantic-ish stroll in Florida a few days ago -- with Farrah's child nowhere in sight.

Dawe has a website -- and says he's a DJ, who says he's "rocked the stage" with stars like Rihanna, Ke$ha, Avicii, Steve Aoki, Alesso, Travie McCoy, Lil Jon, Dev, Busta Rhymes, Trick Daddy, DJ Khaled and 2 Live Crew.

Good luck Dawe -- you've got some big ... really big ... shoes to fill.

It's not like he's O.J. Simpson ... but Justin Bieber took the law and a Dos Equis into his own hands Friday night in Houston.

Biebs was partying at Nox Houston before grabbing a piece of ass at a local strip club ... which could explain why JB was so handsy around the nudie dancers.

FYI -- It's illegal to drink in Texas if you're not 21.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner rolled into Vignette Lounge like V.I.P.s -- hanging with the club promoter ... which punches a big hole in claims the staff was clueless about who they were when they arrived.

TMZ obtained pics of Darren Dzienciol hanging with Scott Disick and K&K at a fashion show earlierTuesday night. Darren works with Bartelier Group which promotes parties all over L.A. -- including the 21-and-over Wax Rabbit event at Vignette that very night.

As we reported, Vignette's manager claims the underage Jenner girls showed fake IDs when they entered the club Tuesday night ... and that bouncers didn't recognize they were Kardashians.

Darren was also one of the guys ushering Kylie and Kendall out of the club underneath blankets -- most likely to hide their identities ... and possibly because they were tipsy.

So, even if the club's staff didn't know the girls were minors -- which seems extremely unlikely -- the club's head promoter that night certainly did.

The 11-time NBA champ was breezing through security at Sea-Tac International Airport in Seattle Wednesday ... when a screener noticed something funny in his carry-on. Turns out ... Bill was packin' a fully loaded, .38 caliber Smith & Wesson handgun.

He could be fined up to $7,500.

Russell -- who became the first Black coach in the NBA -- got the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2011, courtesy of Barack Obama.