Uncle Poodle is lucky to be alive after a New Year's Day health scare ... and no one cared.

Poodle tells TMZ he woke up with a dangerously elevated heart rate ... it felt like his heart was pounding out of his chest.

Docs put him under and used paddles to shock his heart back into rhythm.

The "Honey Boo Boo" clan never showed up ... not a single one of them. Poodle's bro, Sugar Bear, texted him a few times but otherwise it was radio silence. Not even a damn flower.

Poodle says he specifically texted Mama June but she clearly was not on his "get well soon" list.

Here's the bigger problem. Poodle was laid up in a hospital bed for a week, and the $150K bill is all his ... no health insurance.

"Deadliest Catch" star Elliott Neese isn't happy with his latest catch -- the salty captain just caught a stiff fine for hauling in undersized crabs.

We found out Neese was busted back in November at Dutch Harbor after Alaskan officials sampled his ship's cargo -- highly valuable red king crab -- and pulled 13 undersized "bugs." That's a rookie mistake and huge no-no, especially when you catch professionally on TV.

Elliott pled guilty and the fine was slashed from $6,000 to $3K.

Teresa Giudice doesn't have access to MAC products, but a company has jerry-rigged a Sephora-like experience that will keep her fresh and young-ish.

PRIV -- an app that sends a beauty expert straight to your door -- sent Teresa a letter offering beauty hacks for pretty women behind bars. The products generally have a primary purpose that is not cosmetic, but they work in a pinch. They include:

-- Vaseline, which acts as a lip exfoliant. PRIV advises that Teresa gently use a toothbrush to buff her lips with the lubricant, wipe with cool water and dab dry.

-- Advil Liqui-Gels. Break open the capsule. It's great for acne.

-- Protein Powder. Add a few scoops to the commissary conditioner. It boosts hair growth and locks in the moisture and shine.

-- Uncooked Oatmeal and Coffee Grinds. Great for the skin. Combine in equal parts and add just enough water to make a paste for a simple scrub. The oatmeal soothes while the coffee invigorates the skin.

But that's not all ... the inebriated reality star also says the people who are famous in 2015 don't deserve it -- because they don't put in the same kind of work he did.

"Bachelorette" stars Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray have called off their engagement ... their rep tells TMZ.

It's pretty weird and pretty sudden. Three days ago they were on the red carpet for the Season 19 premiere of "The Bachelor." Chris Harrison asked them, "So when's the wedding?" He said there were no immediate plans as Andi rubbed his back.

The former couple got engaged after appearing on the show last year.

Andi and Josh, through the rep, tell TMZ, "After several months of being engaged and working on our relationship, we have decided that it's best for both of us to go our separate ways. We are very sad that it has come to this point, but this is what's best for both of us individually."

Kylie Jenner is scoffing at reports she got a boob job ... she's saying her busty Instagram photo is just the work of a fancy bra.

Our Kardashians sources say Kylie bought a new Victoria's Secret bra -- called Bombshell -- which increases your bust by 2 cup sizes. It's the bra Taylor Swift wore at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

There are reports Bruce is upset over Kris allowing Kylie to get plastic surgery, but it's not true because she didn't go under the knife.

And, we're told Kris, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney thought the bra made Kylie look so good they ordered some for themselves.

Maddie Ziegler had no business dancing in a cage with Shia LaBeouf and the images get mighty close to pedophilia ... so claims "Dance Moms" stage mom Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

Cathy, who calls the video "vile," says "I nearly threw up" watching Shia and Maddie writhing on the ground. She says it was so upsetting she couldn't watch the whole video.

Cathy calls out the 12-year-old's mom, saying, "I am flabbergasted Melissa would go to the levels she is going to get her daughter famous."

But "Dance Moms" chieftain Abby Lee Miller thinks the critics are stupid, not understanding Maddie and Shia were simply portraying werewolves and exhibited awesome athleticism and timing.

But Abby clearly knows the sexually provocative dance would get people talking ... she calls it "icing on the cake." So she can't really believe the people she's calling stupid are really stupid.

As for Abby, one diss was enough. She told us, "Oh, I don't think Sia has her phone number."

It's confirmed ... Kim Kardashian isn't a terrorist ... but TSA just got all up in that bitch just to make sure.

Kim's five-alarm booty must have tripped the sensors Wednesday at a LAX security checkpoint ... she got the royal pat down by a female TSA officer while an annoyed Kanye West looked on.

It's unclear how long it took or what prompted it, but one thing we know for sure ... nothing fell between the cracks in this search.

Jennifer Lopez just massacred Marc Anthony, Ben Affleck, Diddy and worst of all ... Casper Smart!

JLo had a little truth slip on "American Idol" Wednesday night ... letting fellow judges Harry Connick Jr. and Keith Urban in on a secret -- she's awesome, but the problem lies with the men she chooses.

We forgot poor Chris Judd. She thinks he sucks too.

Good news for Draya Michele ... sounds like she's gonna get her engagement ring!!!

Bad news for Draya Michele ... sounds like she's gonna have to be patient!

Draya's BF, Dallas Cowboys star Orlando Scandrick appeared on "Fox Sports Live Countdown" On FS1 (airing tonight at 9 PM PT, 12 ET) and was asked if he'll be hitting the diamond store anytime soon.

He blushed. He raved about Draya ... but he also bobbed and weaved like a champ.

Bottom line -- Scandrick says it'll all work itself out "in due time."

So ... congrats???

Jog your memory with the 9 "AI" champs whose careers hit a bum note.

Anna "Chickadee" Cardwell wants to pick up where her little sis left off, because we've learned she's shopping her very own reality show.

Chickadee tells us she's hired an agent who's pitching a family-centric show, but not Mama June's family. Chickadee wants the show to revolve around her small brood -- her, her hubby and their kid.

They think they can create compelling TV around their day-to-day life, which includes hunting, fishing and figuring out how two 20-year-olds can survive in a cold, cruel world.

As for June ... Chickadee says her mama can make occasional appearances along with the rest of the family, but they won't steer the ship.

And Chickadee says Mark McDaniel -- the man who sexually assaulted her when he was June's boyfriend -- will be fair game.

"Basketball Wives" star Draya Michele has been called many things ... but subtle isn't one of 'em ... and last night she told her BF Orlando Scandrick it's time to pony up for a RING!!!

Draya was leaving Boa Steakhouse on Sunset when we asked if her Dallas Cowboys superstar BF has thought about how he's going to spend his playoff bonus money.

That's when Draya dropped the not-so-subtle hint to TMZ Sports ... saying, "I don't plan for other people's money ... but I hope that he has a nice investment that he's going to buy that has to do with rings and things and sparkly stuff."

She playfully added, "I like diamonds!"

No pressure, Scandrick.

Teresa and Joe Giudice just DRASTICALLY reduced the asking price for their New Jersey mansion, because they MUST move out stat for cheaper digs.

The convicted couple just slashed half a mil off the asking price. But the situation is more dire than it seems. They had initially listed the house for $3.99 million, but there were no takers, so in November they lowered the price by $500,000. Still no takers.

The latest cut brings the asking price to a relatively reasonable $2.99 mil. Their realtor believes that should do the trick.

Teresa and Joe are cash strapped after their conviction and they want to radically downsize.

No, a backdoor didn't smack Farrah Abraham in the face ... she got what could well be the worst lip injections in the annals of medical history.

Farrah may look monsterish, but that didn't stop her from posting the pics online herself with the caption, "Girlfriends don't say I didn't warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit"

We're told Farrah was getting a new procedure, where the doctor puts an implant in the patients lip ... which in theory is cost effective because you don't have to maintain the work with fillers.

Farrah says she researched the doctor and the procedure and decided it was a safe bet. She was wrong. She says the doctors injected her with an anesthetic before the procedure ... and believes she had a MAJOR allergic reaction.

Farrah is no stranger to artificially enhancing body parts, but this takes the cake.

The "Backdoor Teen Mom" star tried to put a good face on it, comparing herself to Leela from "Futurama."

The goal of "The Bachelor's" 3-hour Season 19 premiere was to end up with a rose ... not an IV bag.

Former "Bachelor in Paradise" contestant Clare Crawley got comfy with paramedics Monday night ... after experiencing hot flashes, severe cramping, and unbearable nausea following a full day of partying leading up to the show's premiere party.

Clare tells TMZ after walking the red carpet she began to feel sick ... so while the rest of the crew partied she went back to her hotel room with former Bachelor contestant Michelle Money.

She was in such bad shape, Money called 911 ... LAFD came to the rescue with anti-nausea meds and tons of fluids ... while Money snapped an Insta-pic to chronicle the illness.

Crawley thinks dehydration and an empty stomach played a big part -- that and the fact she claims she never drinks ... which she did that night.

DATING TIP: Guys like a woman who can handle their liquor.