Humor

Senator Chuck Schumer went in hard Friday on Donald Trump, saying he's responsible for the "erection."

Schumer was on the Senate floor when he pressed for an impeachment trial. There's conflict over when that trial will be held. Mitch McConnell wants to delay it for a few weeks, while many Democrats want the trial held STAT.

Schumer said, "There will be a trial and when the trial ends, Senators will have to decide if they believe Donald John Trump incited the erection." He realized what he had said almost immediately, and corrected himself with the word, "insurrection."

No reaction from his colleagues, but Twitter certainly noticed. One person wrote, "Well, it WAS an uprising!" Another person wrote, "There are gonna be a lot of hard questions asked during the erection hearing."

BEAST MODE IS BACK ... on ice?!

Ex-NFL star Marshawn Lynch took his talents to the ice rink this week ... showing off his skating skills in a hilarious video!!

The 34-year-old running back teamed up with hockey player Akim Aliu, who posted a series of videos showing the two getting in some action on the ice ... and just like everything else Lynch does, it was pretty memorable.

"What’s his name? Wayne Gretzky?" Lynch says while suiting up in a Colorado Avalanche jersey. "Y'all heard of that n**** before? Well, I’m Shawn Gretzky. You know what I’m talking about.”

Aliu -- co-founder of the Hockey Diversity Alliance -- can be heard cheering his buddy on as he tries to skate ... while simultaneously looking for his first hockey fight.

“This a whole different animal, bro," Lynch says.

No word on why the hockey sesh took place ... but Aliu and Lynch have been hanging out in recent days. Maybe hockey guy hits the gridiron next?!

By the way -- can you imagine Marshawn in the NHL? The dude could be a hit as an enforcer!!

His marketing agency even tweeted out a message to the San Jose Shark and Seattle Kraken if they were interested … Lynch chimed in.

“Y’all can’t see me on this frozen wata either. You already know I’m from that IceCity.” Lynch later tweeted.

"Boy is getting out of this Dr. Seuss, Monopoly-ass car!"

Hassan Whiteside went IN on Jabari Parker's ride as the Kings prepped to leave for L.A. on Tuesday ... clowning the hell out of the Sacramento star's vintage whip in the parking lot!!

"Where you get that from?" Whiteside asked Parker. "Cat in the Hat? That s*** fuchsia! Fuchsia!"

FYI -- the car is pretty cool to at least SOME people ... it appears to be a light pink, 1950 Chevrolet Carryall that we're sure cost Parker some pretty big coin.

But, didn't matter to Whiteside ... 'cause the grill sesh just kept on going!

"Hey, Jabari!" Hassan said. "You a trendsetter, man. A trendsetter!"

All the guys seemed to love the jabs -- everyone within earshot was cracking up!!

Of course, the Kings could certainly use the levity, they haven't had exactly the best start to the season ... going 5-9 through the first 14 games.

Maybe a little roast sesh is what's needed to turn the tide?!?

By the way, if this all sounds familiar ... it's 'cause it kind of is -- remember just a few weeks ago when Kyle Kuzma cracked on Anthony Davis for his whip?!

Would you slam a vat of Italian dressing for $1,000!?!

That's a question Tim Lincecum apparently asked one of his teammates back in 2018 ... and, according to the salad-topping drinker, the answer was YES!!!

Tyler Wagner -- a former Texas Rangers pitcher -- revealed the story on social media late Thursday night ... and it's hilarious, mostly because he provided photographic proof that it all went down!

Wagner says when he and Lincecum were teammates in Texas about three years ago ... the two-time Cy Young winner bet him a grand that he wouldn't drink the leftover dressing that came with the team's salad.

Turns out, Lincecum clearly underestimated Wagner's love of cash ... 'cause the guy threw it back like a shot of tequila!

The pics are laugh out loud funny, especially the post-drink one ... 'cause you can tell, Wagner was bragging to all his clubhouse mates about the gross (and impressive!) feat.

Wagner even provided a pic of the check Lincecum cut him to prove the guy paid up!

And, get this, Wagner says Lincecum threw in an EXTRA $250 on top of the $1,000, because, "he said just because it was rough to watch."

Got a James Harden jersey and a dirty whip?? You're in luck, 'cause one Houston car wash is giving out free washes in exchange for #13 Rockets threads!!

The 2018 MVP is officially a member of the Brooklyn Nets after a blockbuster trade on Wednesday ... forming a super team with Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving.

I Car Wash in H-Town came up with a solution for sad fans ... by taking their now-useless jerseys and offering their top tier wash in return, as ABC13 reported.

So, what's gonna happen to all the Harden jerseys?? TMZ Sports spoke with owner Sean Qureshi, who says he's hoping to TORCH 'EM ALL when JH returns to Houston as a Net.

"My plan is to burn them," Qureshi said. "I'm gonna make sure with local fire department just to make sure everything is on the up and up. But if they allow me to, whenever Harden comes back for the first game with the Nets, I'm burning them all that day."

Quereshi says he's preparing for around 50 fans to take him up on his offer ... meaning he expects to lose money in the promotion.

The Cleveland Browns celebrated their first playoff win since 1994 the only way they knew how -- by epically roasting JuJu Smith-Schuster with a locker room celebration for the ages!!

Of course, the Steelers WR had some words for the AFC North rivals leading up to their Wild Card matchup ... calling Cleveland the "same old Browns" and claiming he was unfazed by the new-look team.

Baker Mayfield and Co. clearly had JuJu on their minds after taking care of business Sunday night ... trolling the TikTok-loving star with a taste of his own medicine.

Kareem Hunt, Jarvis Landry and more led the Browns' insane locker room celly following their 48-37 win over Pittsburgh ... blaring Pop Hunna and Lil Uzi Vert's "Adderall (Corvette Corvette)" and having some choice words for the receiver.

Remember, JuJu was infamous for his pregame ritual -- which included dancing to the same song while standing on opposing team logos prior to kickoff.

Landry mocked JuJu with some moves of his own ... while several Browns players recited the receiver's bulletin board material.

"The Browns gon' be the Browns!!!" Hunt said on IG Live ... with guard Wyatt Teller adding, "Same old Browns, huh?!"

It's a huge moment for the Browns ... who now have to prepare for the defending champion Kansas City Chiefs next week.

Michael Blackson has a very important reason why people should get the COVID vaccine ... he says it's better than getting the virus, which he claims left his penis limp.

We got the comedian doing some holiday shopping on Rodeo Drive in Bev Hills, and he told us he had COVID and it sucked, which is reason enough in his mind to do everything you can to protect against the virus.

Michael's encouraging folks to get vaccinated so they don't suffer his fate ... a bout with the 'rona and a "limp d***." It's the COVID symptom you don't hear much about, but surely don't want to experience.

If the low sex drive isn't enough to make you fear COVID's wrath and head straight for the vaccination line, consider this ... Michael says the virus also had him pooping himself.

Michael knows he won't be among the first to get the vaccine, but he tells us why he'll join Barack Obama and other celebs in promoting the shot.

Take a seat, kids (some adults too) ... we've got bad news about those icicles you've been sucking on every winter, and this won't go down easy. 💩

Actually, Iowa meteorologist Katie Nickolaou is the real party pooper here, because after seeing social media clips of folks chomping on icicles ... she had to speak up.

Katie, who works at KMEG in Sioux City, Iowa, is imploring people to break their icicle habit ... unless, of course, they're into eating bird 💩. Check out her very scientific, and stomach-turning, explanation of the frozen treat.

The good news for Katie is her advice is spreading pretty quickly, courtesy of TikTok and Twitter.

Baby Archie may only be 17 months old, but that's not stopping him from wishing everyone a Happy New Year ... and naturally, it's to the delight of Mom and Dad.

Archie made a surprise appearance on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's first episode of their "Archewell Audio" podcast Tuesday. Meghan first asks Archie if he's having fun, to which Archie replies, "Fun." Then, Dad coaxes him into wishing listeners a "Happy New Year."

It's clear to tell from the audio that both Harry and Meghan are more than excited to hear little Archie speak on the podcast ... Harry can barely contain his own laughter.

The rest of the episode featured some massive stars including Elton John and Tyler Perry ... Stacey Abrams also joined. But, c'mon, Archie upstaged 'em all.

It was just last week when Harry and Meghan were spotted strolling the streets of Beverly Hills. TMZ broke the story ... the couple plunked down $14 million on a Montecito estate back in August.

You've seen Conor McGregor's dolly-throwing attack on Khabib Nurmagomedov ... but have you seen it in GINGERBREAD FORM?!?!

Thanks to UFC fighter Angela Hill, the infamous moment in MMA history has taken a delicious turn ... and we gotta admit, it's impressive as hell!!!

Remember, Conor and his buddies went crazy at Barclays Center in Brooklyn in April 2018 ... throwing objects at the bus filled with fighters, including Khabib, Michael Chiesa and Rose Namajunas.

Hill and her husband, Adam, decided to pay tribute to the wild moment with their gingerbread house this year ... creating the scene complete with a bus, a dolly-wielding Conor, an angry Dana White, Khabib and Artem Lobov.

The thing is incredible ... and even detailed down to each fighter's face.

"Adam drew all the faces but Conor and the whole thing is made from gingerbread, icing, chocolate for the dolly and candy!," Angela said on Instagram.

As for how long it took to make the masterpiece ... it sounds like a REALLY long time.

"Adam and I spent longer than I’d like to admit making this beautiful #gingerbreadhouse highlighting an important moment in mma history."

Shannon Sharpe rubbed some serious salt into the Steelers' wounds Monday night ... clowning the hell out of JuJu Smith-Schuster for TikToking and then losing to the Bengals!!!

If you haven't seen it, the Pittsburgh star wideout has gained fame for doing TikTok dances on opponents' logos over the past few weeks.

But, seemingly every time he does it -- his team gets whooped ... and Monday night was no different.

Just a couple hours after JuJu grooved to Popp Hunna's "Adderall (Corvette Corvette)" at Cincy's midfield ... PIT took one of the worst losses of the NFL season this year, falling 27-17 to the 3-10-1 Bengals.

And, to make matters worse for JuJu, he got LIT UP during the game -- fumbling a ball that ended up costing the Steelers big time.

Enter Sharpe ... who was so clearly delighted to see JuJu stink it up after dancing on the logo -- he took to Twitter to straight-up clown the 24-year-old!!

"Ju Ju might need a new car," Sharpe said. "That corvette, corvette isn’t fast enough to get away anymore."

Sharpe later added, "Sent corvette,corvette to the body shop tonite. Don’t TikTok on the logo."

To make matters even worse for JuJu? The Bengals got in on the dancing shade too!!!

A Florida congresswoman's dog appears to be just as pissed as she is that the Senate and House can't seem to pass a stimulus package -- 'cause the pooch wouldn't shut up during a live interview over the hotly-debated issue.

Rep. Donna Shalala appeared Saturday morning on CNN, where anchor Fredricka Whitfield was asking her about the stalled stimulus bill that is once again facing a logjam in the Senate ... and risks not being approved at all if Dems and Republicans can't strike a deal.

The Florida Democrat was voicing her frustration over the fact her colleagues from the other side appear to once again be holding up negotiations ... when, all of a sudden, her pup started yapping like crazy off-camera -- forcing her to go grab it to keep it quiet.

Whitfield handled the interruption like a pro ... noting this is what happens on live TV, especially when we're in a pandemic and a lot of people are working from home.

Funny enough, Rep. Shalala's dog -- whom she rescued from a shelter back in the summer, and named it Fauci -- was NOT done barking and fussing. As the congresswoman held him in her lap, he fidgeted and yelped ... at a few different points, she actually had to try and hold his snout closed, but the dog wouldn't let up.

Jon Gruden's hat debacle on "Thursday Night Football" was the result of a practical joke played on him in the locker room -- so says the Raiders head coach.

Gruden caught hell on social media once fans realized he was wearing an "Oakland Raiders" hat on the sideline -- epic fail considering the Raiders just moved to Las Vegas!!

Social media clowned the 57-year-old for the error ... and the roar clearly grew so loud -- JG became aware of the cap problem in the 1st quarter and switched hats soon after.

"I apologize for not having the right hat on," Gruden told reporters. "Somebody played a pretty good trick on me."

So, who is this mysterious trickster? Gruden didn't name names -- but someone's ass is in the hot seat.

The thing is ... Gruden's headgear ended up being the LEAST of his worries against the Chargers -- 'cause the Raiders took an L they desperately couldn't afford to take.

Las Vegas' playoff hopes essentially rode on the game against LA ... but its defense struggled all night and the team lost in overtime, 30-27, to Justin Herbert's crew.

Gruden apologized for THAT as well ... telling reporters, "It's on me."

It's been a rough week for NFL superstars in the crapper ...

Just ask Todd Gurley who dropped his cell phone into the toilet while taking a dump and was then forced to make a decision -- retrieve it or not!?!?

Think about it ... Todd is super rich -- he can afford another cell phone! So, should he fish it out and use it again? Or just junk it and get a new one?? Man, this is tough.

But Gurley, thankfully, walked us through the situation in real-time on social media,

It all started Wednesday at 12:34 PM -- "Dropped my phone in the toilet while taking a #2 smh. Shxt happens literally."

So, how did he drop the phone exactly?

"Man I laid it on my lap next thing I know it’s sitting on a like of 💩."

Seven minutes later ... an update.

"I just sprayed my phone with Mrs. Meyer’s cleaner and called it a day lol."

HE FISHED IT OUT OF THE POOP TOILET!! GROSS!!!

Afterward, Gurley reached out to Lamar Jackson, who also made some headlines over an alleged bathroom incident this week.

"Yo @Lj_era8 any tips my dude?"

C'mon, that's hilarious!

Adam Carolla supports the recall effort gaining steam against Gov. Gavin Newsom -- because he says the guy's a tyrant, and that Californians should snap out of his BS spell.

We talked to the comedian Tuesday in Burbank, CA, where he was about to head into a restaurant his friend owns for a little sit-down meal ... almost out of protest, it seems. It's pretty clear ... Adam thinks the new shutdown orders are ridiculous, and he explains why.

In his eyes, there's just no proof to connect outdoor dining to massive outbreaks of coronavirus cases -- he thinks Newsom's just throwing crap at a wall and doing what he wants ... behavior of an unhinged king, which Adam says Newsom is not.

He also speaks to Californians, telling them to stop acting like sheep by blindly taking orders ... without thinking about the logic, or lack thereof, behind them.

Adam then pivots to a recall effort that's been picking steam in recent days. It's a grassroots movement started by people who are furious with Newsom over his closing of small businesses -- especially restaurants -- as well as what many call hypocritical behavior, as he was recently spotted maskless at a ritzy indoor shindig in Napa.

Might sound crazy, but the petition already has more than half the necessary signatures needed to get the issue on a ballot soon -- and word is Newsom's camp is nervous.

You're a mean one, Mr. Darts Player!!!

Professional Darts Corporation star Peter Wright channeled his inner Grinch for his opening round of the World Championship on Tuesday ... by dying his hair bright green and throwing on a 'fit inspired by the iconic Dr. Seuss character!!

The defending champ made one hell of an entrance at Alexandra Palace in London ... doing some wild dance moves while Pitbull's "Don't Stop The Party" blared over the speakers.

Watch the video. It's super entertaining!!!!

But, the green grandiose entrance didn't affect the 50-year-old's game one bit -- beating Steve West 3-1 to advance to the next round.

Wright spoke about his decision to go full Grinch after his win ... saying, "It's all about trying to make people smile, because we've had a horrible year, people's had a horrible year, lost loved ones. People lost jobs and stuff like that."

He added ... "I just wanted to cheer everyone up. I think I've done that."

BTW -- Wright is known for his eye-popping looks ... from wild multi-colored mohawks to outrageous outfits.

When asked about his critics calling him a "clown," Wright says he simply doesn't pay it any mind.

"I don't care because it's me just trying to make people happy. If I lose, I lose, if I don't, I don't."

It's a pretty wild statement from Wright ... considering the tourney has a $3.37 million prize fund ... so there's money to be made!!!