Humor

A Bronx storefront is a perfect example of when keeping it real goes RIGHT -- the owner is giving his customers some straight talk, in very explicit terms, over coronavirus protocol.

Check out this sign posted in the window of what appears to be a liquor store or bodega of some sort in the NYC borough, which tells its patrons exactly what's expected of them as they come in and shop ... without any room for misunderstanding, or coddling at all.

The sign reads, "COVID-19 IS SOME REAL S***! Cover your f***ing mouth! Shut the f*** up! Buy your s*** and leave immediately." Oh, it gets better ... the owner lets it rip!!!

They continue, "Absolutely NO titty or sock money! Stand back at least 6 feet, playa. Store capacity limited to 5 motherf***ers at once. You cough, you die. Drink responsibly."

It's interesting ... the scientists and doctors aren't getting through to a large number of Americans with rock-solid data, so this seems like a viable Plan B.

We gotta say, the dude (or dudette) who put this up deserves an award of some kind, because instead of tip-toeing around what NEEDS to be said, they just came right out and told it how it is. No pussy-footing or sugar-coating ... just to-the-point, NYC instructions.

It's funny too -- this very much reminds of us of Michael Rapaport (a New York-native himself) coming out with an expletive-filled PSA telling youngsters and their parents to stop screwing around and stay indoors, while other celebs came out with PC/watered-down takes of their own. Those Big Apple dwellers sure do have a way with words, huh?

It was brilliant ... Dr. Anthony Fauci said if someone ended up playing him on 'SNL' he'd be happy if it was Brad Pitt -- last night the good doc got his wish!!!

Brad was in top form ... nailing the gravely voice of the infectious disease honcho as he sat behind a desk, trying to reconcile the views of Dr. Fauci and Donald Trump.

But, first things first ... 'SNL' Fauci mused about the emails he's received from some of his older, female fans.

Then -- down to business. When Trump said a vaccine was coming "relatively soon," Tony explained the word "relatively" is, well, relative.

Then, the words, "Everyone can get a test," actually means virtually nobody can get tested.

As for ingesting disinfectant ... well, ya gotta watch Brad's facial expressions.

What makes Brad's appearance especially hilarious ... Dr. Fauci was on CNN and actually chose Brad Pitt to play him. Actually, he chose very reluctantly, and his choices were Ben Stiller or Pitt.

Jeff Ross couldn't stay away from what he does best -- roasting people on a big platform -- so he got right back to it with some newbie volunteers ... quarantine-style, of course.

The comedian held an Insta-Roast Saturday on IG Live, which didn't feature any big celebs like his usual roasts do -- instead, he picked out random users who were joining the chat to hop on up and have him take some light-hearted shots at them, impromptu and off the cuff.

Safe to say, the roasting did NOT disappoint -- Jeff didn't skip a beat in pinpointing the goofiest thing about anyone who was brave enough to let Jeff have at 'em. He made fun of a guy who apparently resembled the garbage man version of Boy George. Nice!

He also asked why one gal was bent forward on her elbows while talking to him, with Jeff asking if she was getting banged from behind. She laughed, and then showed off her BF, who was NOT doing that. He went on to tell one couple that they looked like they'd eaten all their toilet paper, while telling another woman she looked like she just got out of jail.

Everybody got a laugh out of it, and Jeff himself even noted he needed this ... sounds like he's going a little stir crazy too and wanted to get back to normal as safely as possible.

Travis Scott went live to join in with the fans enjoying his virtual concert on Fortnite, but had to cut it short ... because his adorable daughter, Stormi, demanded more of his attention.

The rapper debuted his new track, "The Scotts," Thursday night within the insanely popular video game, and although it attracted an all-time record audience of 12.3 MILLION concurrent players ... one little 2-year-old was the star of the evening.

Travis, Stormi and mama Kylie Jenner were all online to watch the historic musical/gaming performance ... but the toddler seemed to have other interests.

Check it out -- once Travis finds the remote, thanks to whoever Josh is, Stormi briefly greets her dad's large audience ... then wants to watch a movie. Of course, 2-year-olds usually get what they want.

It sure LOOKED like Mike Vrabel's son was busted on the can during the NFL Draft ... but the Titans coach insists he was NOT POOPING!

Social media blew up when live NFL Draft coverage switched over to Vrabel's home, which was weird from the jump!

Was there a guy wearing a Frozone costume from "The Incredibles"? Yes.

Was there a guy with a blonde mustache and mullet-wearing Vrabel's old Pro Bowl jersey? Indeed.

Is that guy pooping in the background?! Not exactly ...

Vrabel says the alleged dumper is his son, Tyler -- but Coach is adamant he was NOT dropping a deuce with the door open!!!

Mike claims Tyler was simply sitting on a stool -- which makes sense.

Do you REALLY think the guy would do his biz with the door open with a live TV feed running inside the house? Probably not.

Still, what a weird night.

Oh, and did you see when the Titans drafted lineman Isaiah Wilson from Georgia and his mom basically physically removed his girlfriend from his lap?!?!?

Soccer superstar Paul Pogba is keeping the competitive spirit during the coronavirus pandemic ... and his latest victim is none other than his OWN MOTHER!!!

The Manchester United stud made his mom look straight-up foolish in a hilarious clip this week ... hittin' her with a nutmeg for the ages while getting some fresh air.

"When your mum tell you she played football before 🤣🤣🤣" the French footballer captioned the vid ... while also adding a very thoughtful message:

"Love and spend time with your parents before they leave this world."

Not only is he pulling soccer tricks, Paul's also been keeping busy in the kitchen as well by making desserts like galette des rois for his mama.

Sorry perverts, Joe Buck has just shot down a $1 MILLION offer to narrate sex tapes ... but says, "I'm flattered."

Some backstory ... Buck and several other high profile sportscasters have been keeping their skills sharp by calling random non-sports videos for people stuck at home during the pandemic.

He's done everything from cooking to marble racing (and everything in between) in exchange for good cause donations to support worthy charities.

A few weeks ago, Buck also said he was getting some requests to add his voice to some adult videos ... but explained he wasn't ready to go down that road -- yet.

"Maybe later in life, but not now."

Now, one adult site is hoping $1 MILLION will change his mind -- with "ImLive" putting together a proposal for 6 weeks of work.

Basically, Buck would have to commentate 25 live cam shows per week through the end of May ... and in return, boom -- 7 figures.

And, get this ... the company says the audio work would all be for a good cause because it would help visually impaired people enjoy the site!!

But, bad news for the sex site ... Buck has considered the offer and says unlike the people in the videos, he won't take it.

"Depending on the site they could just be handing some of my money back to me," Buck joked.

"So I’ll hold out for a better offer and try to hold on to my day job. But I have to say I’m flattered."

Poor Mark Wahlberg ... the guy seems lost when it comes to the viral Carole Baskin dance, but he got a surprise introduction to it ... courtesy of his wife and daughter!!!

Mark was simply going downstairs for a snack when he ran into his wife, Rhea Durham, and 10-year-old daughter Grace getting down to the TikTok craze dance. He posted the video and posed just one question: "Could somebody please tell me what this is?"

But, it wasn't just that Rhea and Grace were rapping along to a remixed version of Megan Thee Stallion's "Savage." Check out the vid ... the mother-daughter duo dressed up for the part with flannel shirts and cap. Gotta give Grace bonus points for going the distance and channeling Joe Exotic himself by drawing a goatee on her face and fuzzy chest hair.

If ya missed out, like Mark, the remix was recently created by musician Caleb Jaxin, and so far it's been used in more than 1 million TikTok videos. The remix starts with a roar before you hear the lyrics, "Carole Baskin killed her husband, whacked him. Can’t convince me that it didn’t happen. Fed him to tigers, they snackin’. What’s happenin’, Carole Baskin?"

And, if those lyrics are still confusing to Mark ... someone hook him up with a Netflix password so he can binge 'Tiger King.'

THIS IS AWESOME!!!

Check out Mike Beltran -- one of the top referees in MMA -- turning his legendary facial hair into a coronavirus mask ... just for fun!

Of course, Beltran -- who's reffed fights for everyone from Henry Cejudo to Demetrious Johnson and Nate Diaz -- is famous for that long, flowing mustache.

So, with the COVID-19 pandemic in full swing, Beltran decided to have fun ... and show off his version of nature's mask!

"Well, my friends, I think this works. I don't think anything will penetrate the 'state," Beltran joked.

Obviously, he's just kidding around (USE A REAL MASK, PEOPLE!) but ya gotta love it!

"Hope you guys had a good laugh at my expense," he added (assuming with a smile on his face?).

Here's Dodgers reliever Joe Kelly giving a whole new meaning to "breaking ball" ...

The L.A. pitcher was working on his off-speed stuff in an at-home, quarantine throwing sesh this week ... when he let one get away from him -- and threw the cowhide straight through a window!!!

Yeah, JUUUUUUUUUUUUSTTTT a bit outside!!!

You can see in the footage of the aftermath (filmed by his wife) ... the damage Kelly's changeup did was pretty significant.

There was glass everywhere and a big ol' hole through the window ... and JK sure seemed to be in disbelief over it all.

Don't worry, Joe's got enough funds to pay for a new piece of glass ... dude signed a 3-year, $25 MILLION deal with the Dodgers just before last season.

Also, it coulda been much worse ... at least it wasn't fastball practice -- the guy throws his heater 100 MPH!!!